two sided | peter parker

XVIII | bearing

『bear·ing | noun | the level to which something bad can be tolerated』

"FUCK YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR," Peter hesitated, his lips trembling as he searched for the right words. His hands shook, his body vibrating with a sort of weakness that was rare and the most painful; the feeling of utter helplessness, defeat, and heartbreak all at once.

He'd never once felt it, feeling it in segments whether it was physically as his superhero occupation or the nerdy senior, Peter Parker. The girl in front of him, she may have felt the same thing, but she was utterly different. Defiant, still, and strong, that's what Peter would've described her in that moment if he could only use three words.

She laughed bitterly, the winter air coughing up the exhales of her breath. The warmth of it created a cloudy fog of air before disappearing as quickly as it came. "You're unbelievable. Peter, Spidey, I don't even know who you are anymore. I don't think I do, at least. I'd like to think I at least knew Spidey, but that has to be somewhat of a stretch."

The superhero didn't say much, torn between two different worlds, two different sides of him that were never meant to collide. Y/n did something that Peter didn't particularly expect, she pulled out her phone. With a few taps, her wall seemed to crumble before him, tearing down into pieces as tears brimmed her eyes.

"Monday, October thirty first at ten p.m. 'Hey, I just ditched a lame party. Do you think we can sneak the last pieces of candy from those crabby neighbors on your street? Not if you haven't already, I'd expect that from you.'" That was nearly a month ago, dating back to Halloween when Peter had sneakily slipped out after making an appearance at Flash's party.

Y/n sniffled, raising her jacket sleeve to wipe her nose with it before letting it hang at her side again. The moonlit sidewalk made everything all the more painfully memorable, how they stood outside her previously shared apartment, watching themselves destroy everything they'd built up within a matter of minutes.

"And you were right," She choked, swallowing harshly afterwards. Peter recognized that pain too, the moment when your tears become too much and your throat decides to close out on you too. The moment where it squeezed together into an inexplicable ache that lingered even after you cried. "You were so damn right, and it hurts to know you were."

Looking down, a dejected smile appeared on her face.

"Because you knew me so well, and now, I realize that I never knew you."

Peter was still shaken up, his stance weakening as he tried to make understanding with all of this. But he couldn't. This wasn't like one of his missions. It wasn't a task. It wasn't an order to protect someone. It was simply losing. Peter was losing. Not a battle. He was losing someone, and he absolutely hated that feeling.

"I've been bearing a lot of things, Peter. Menace, the new additions to this 'team'. My own guilt of not being able to be good enough to protect Faye that night. My own guilt to not be able to protect or warn Charlie in time. It always hurts and it's always lugging behind me. I think it's time to get away for a while, y'know?"

Even with tears glimmering in her eyes, she was trying to be the calmest she could be. She wanted to save the heartache, save the pain, save it until tomorrow. Save it until she had something to distract herself with, something to think about, something to look forward to. Something that she could override by savoring something else.

"I'll be gone before you know it," She chimed, bouncing on her heels as she stared up at the moon that shone so brightly on them. Y/n didn't let him speak a word, not like he could say any either. His throat was choked up and the tears running down his face were silent, but evident to the emotions coursing through him.

"I'm not really sure if I should regret it. I guess I shouldn't, not as much, because I met Faye and Eden that way. I grew Menace, I have Wisp, Midnight, and Esther. So, I do think I owe you at least a bit. Here's your gift, I guess," She smiled, tilting her head. "We leave tomorrow. All of us." Y/n watched him take in a breath, the boy about to ask.

"Save it, I'm not telling you where."

Scuffing her shoes against the sidewalk, tears fell from her face before drying up because of the cold air. Y/n laughed brokenly, her giggles coming out bitterly, far from the sunshine-filled giggles that Peter had grown so used to. The ones filled with love, happiness, and absolute euphoria. The ones that had been replaced.

"Y'know, Faye, Eden, and Chip are royally pissed at you. Chip even claimed that he wanted to screw you with a chainsaw before bashing your head against a brick wall. They even told me not to come out here tonight. You didn't even tell me to come out tonight. Instinctive, you can call it. I'm planning to get rid of this instinct, though."

Peter was absolutely silent, his hands in his pockets as they utterly felt numb. It wasn't even the cold this time, it was the absolute heartbreak and despair to hear her utter the words that he'd hoped would never come out of her mouth. It was the feeling of dread of knowing that it was bound to come, but not exactly when. And it absolutely demolished him to the core.

She looked down at her shoes again and then looked to the side, glancing at the metal walls covered with graffiti. It was a habit that Peter had picked up on, it was something she tended to do when she was deep in thinking or fell into the silence. He liked to think it was a mix of those two currently.

She bit her lip, silently turning around to walk back, or swing back; it's not like Peter would be told how she'd be going home anyways, or if she was safe, for the matter. He cried out, finally able to say something clearly. "Y-You deserve better." Y/n froze, tears returning to her eyes as they streaked down her face.

Turning her head, Y/n smiled. 

"Yeah, I do."