serenity | knj

XXVII

After what happened, I insisted that Namjoon drove me home immediately. He kept trying to change my mind the whole drive, but I ignored him for most of it.

"What happened?", Jungkook said when he saw me coming into his bedroom, looking like someone who just saw a ghost.

I just silently crawled into the bed next to him and made him put his arm around me. He didn't say anything for a few minutes and just held me tightly in his strong arms.

I turned around and put my hand on Jungkook's cheek. And as I did so, I remembered how Namjoon did the same thing to me earlier. How he held my face in his big hands, how gorgeous and intimidating he looked, how badly I had to fight the urge to kiss him.

All of a sudden, I placed my lips on Jungkook's. After a short moment of surprise, we began making out wildly. In a way, it felt like I was lying to Jungkook like I was lying to myself. But it also felt good to let go for a moment. To give someone the control over me, that I always tried to secure so desperately.

Jungkook tried to take on the next step, but I stopped him. He seemed disappointed but he accepted it. We decided to go to sleep but the thoughts in my head didn't let me. I asked myself if I could ever have sex with my best friend. If I could ever take the place of those girls he used to invite over, just to never talk to them again after.

"Jungkook?", I whispered and heard him go "Hm?" from behind me.

"Are you really in love with me?"

The silence that just followed was way too long, which relieved me a little bit.

"I know that I feel happy with you. I feel good kissing and hugging you. I would feel good having sex with you. I don't want to be without you. That's what I know.", he calmly spoke, hugging me from behind and digging his face in my neck.

"But didn't you feel good kissing and having sex with all those girls before?", I asked.

"No."

His answer confused me but I just accepted it. It didn't make lying to him any less wrong but it just felt good knowing that Jungkook was just as confused about the thing between us as I was.

And maybe with that new view on things in mind, we would be able to work something out.