serenity | knj

XXXIV

Namjoon's POV

"42 days.", I whispered while staring at my phone screen.

42 days since I last saw Jandi.

42 days since Jandi broke down in front of me and I brought her into the hospital.

I waited there the whole night but they just wouldn't let me see her. I left eventually, and when I came back the next day, she was already gone.

But back then I didn't know she would be gone completely. At first, I thought she would ignore me, playing those games she always did. But it was something more serious. And I felt responsible for what happened to her.

Maybe it would be better for her to never see me again.

I sighed and got out of bed. The last days were tough for me. Most of them, I just stayed in my room, getting drunk or on drugs. Anything that helped me escape reality and escape my thoughts.

From time to time, one of the boys would join me, but they couldn't fill the void Jandi left inside my heart.

Instead of making myself a coffee, I poured whisky into the mug that was laying around. I took a sip and after looking at it, I realized it was the mug Jandi used when she was here. 

The memories of our first moments hurt so much in my head. Everything reminded me of her.

I downed the rest of the whisky and put a jacket on me. Maybe some fresh air would help me get her out of my head.

I walked down the street while smoking and took a look at myself in one of the windows. Never before I looked so fucked up.

It was hard trying to remember the last time I was sober or slept a normal amount of time and that's exactly how I felt like.

I entered some grocery store to get another bottle of booze and as I stood at the checkout, I felt my heart stop.

Without even looking, I felt her standing beside me. The way she breathed, the way she smelled, the way she moved. It all made me recognize her within seconds.

I slowly turned my head, feeling my body tremble. She wasn't paying any attention to me or anything around her. She seemed lost in her thoughts, listening to music while bumping her head to it. Her eyes weren't really fully opened.

I felt the panic build up in me and just stood there frozen.

"Next?", the cashier suddenly spoke and looked at me annoyed.

That was the moment Jandi finally lifted up her head, opened her eyes and saw me.

I pretended to not have seen her and just walked outside after buying the bottle of vodka.

I stopped in front of the shop, lighting myself a cigarette and leaning against the wall behind me.

I left Jandi the choice of talking to me or just running away from me. All I wanted was to look into her eyes one more time.

And that's what I did seconds later when she exited the store and suddenly stood in front of me.

Our eyes interlocked for what felt like ages and the beating of my heart got unbearable.

I expectantly waited for what would happen next, not saying anything, just staring into her eyes.

The Jandi I knew would've just given me an annoyed look, turn around and leave. But the Jandi that stood there in front of me at that moment

stayed.