serenity | knj

XL

Namjoon's POV

"Namjoon, can I ask you something?", Jandi asked and tightened the grip on my hand.

"Sure."

We were walking home together, hand in hand, as if nothing weird ever happened. As if Jandi wasn't in a relationship with somebody else.

"When we first met you seemed like you were involved into... I don't know how to say that."

I chuckled and remembered our first moments together. It all could've gone so differently.

"You asked me if I was in a gang.", I said and had to laugh at the memory.

Jandi seemed to be flustered and pulled my jacket that she was wearing closer to her.

"That's what it seemed like.", she carefully said. "You kept those things a secret from me though."

We arrived at my apartment and I  entered with her before answering.

"You never asked, Jandi.", I said and went to make her a coffee.

She sat down at the couch she once slept on and seemed to be uncomfortable.

"What's wrong?", I asked as I placed the koala mug in front of her.

It made her smile a little bit and she signed me to sit next to her, which I did.

"Who are you really, Namjoon?"

The words she spoke hit me right into my heart. I couldn't lose her again. But lying to her would be the biggest mistake I could make, so I told her the truth.

"I used to get into trouble and fights a lot.", I said and reached for her hand.

Jandi looked at me expectantly and sighed a bit.

"Do you think I don't see all those empty bottles, all those empty plastic wrappers? Are you taking drugs?"

I had to swallow hard and tears in my eyes were forming.

"I used to take and sell drugs. That's why I had to get physical often. Whenever someone wouldn't pay their debts or tried to get away by beating up my boys, I got really physical."

Jandi held my hands in hers and looked at them closely.

"When I met you, I didn't want to continue it any longer. I only started because I had no choice because I was living on the streets."

I slowly placed my hand on Jandi's cheek, to see any sign of her starting to hate me, but her face looked calm.

"I got rid of the drugs, got a little job to pay the rest of my debts and only focused on you."

Jandi smiled weakly and stroke over my arm.

"But when you left and I thought you left forever, I relapsed."

I looked down, embarrassed about my misery. Jandi wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly.

"I thought if I would get drunk or high, I would forget that I'm unhappy, that I'm in love with you."

I was shocked by the sudden confession I just made, and couldn't bear to look into Jandi's eyes.

She lifted up my head with her finger on my chin and looked into my eyes.

"I thought if I'd run away, I would forget that I'm in love with you.", she said suddenly and placed her lips on mine.

She smelled like alcohol and I felt bad for making her get drunk with me.

"You really didn't need to drink so much.", I said and stroke her hair.

"I like you when you're feeling good but I like you just as much when you're feeling down, Namjoon. You don't have to hide this side of you from me, I will be by your side no matter what."