Nostalgia

Photograph

Kaoru x Shinya

The words neatly written behind the photograph, slightly crumpled around the edges caught his eyes. A hand reached up to pinch his own face, letting out a soft ouch from his lips.

Yeap. He is awake. And the photograph still sat on his lap, looking up at him. A genuine smile broke out on his face as he got up from his bed, walking towards the door.

****
"Meet Shinya"

He didn't know that those words would change his life forever but at that moment, all he could think of was how effeminate the boy in front of him looked. And also how young he is.

"Is he even legal, Kyo?"
"Barely"

A grin broke out on Kyo's face before he turned his attention on irritating Die, leaving Kaoru to stare at the newest addition to their band who stared back at him with curious eyes. Kaoru shot Kyo an irritated look as he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. He hates meeting new people and not knowing what to say to them.

"Hajimemashite. Dozo yoroshiku"

Kaoru murmured back the greeting, surprised with the deep tone of the other's voice. How it contrasted with the feminine look. Much later, after the trial jamming session which left all of them with hopes that maybe, perhaps this is it. This would be the group which would bring them so much further than their previous ones. All of them stared at each other, grinning widely, eyes bright with excitement before Toshiya asked the question that is in their minds.

"What shall we call ourselves?"

A silence followed before Kyo, the lyricist, vocalist found a word. Where from, no one actually know. They don't even know the legitimacy of Kyo's explanation of the meaning, but it felt right.

"Dir en grey it will be"

Toshiya and Kyo crowed happily, giving each other high fives. Die grinned widely at his old time friend, who in turn looked at person who made them complete. Shinya gave a small smile, the only indication that he was as happy as them was the bright twinkling of his eyes which held laughter behind.

****
There were no fireworks. No indication what so ever. No time for him to build his defenses up. But it just happened. It was nothing spectacular. It was just another day where all of them stayed in the so very familiar room which Kyo nicknamed the torture room. The room where they slaved for hours over the creation of their music and perfecting it. Torture room maybe but none of them would give it up for anything in the world. Die was as usual pranking around, Toshiya laughing loudly, Kyo scribbling in his notebook and from time to time laughing at Die and there was Shinya, giving Die mini death glares for daring to touch his dear drums. Shinya looked up, caught him staring. A tiny smile appeared, small, shy but still a smile. He came to the realization then, somehow, in that obscure moment, he love the younger man. He didn't panicked at the realization, but was somehow comforted for reasons unknown. Perhaps, maybe, one day?

He returned the smile, Shinya pulling a slight face at the other's antics, both of them sharing this private moment with each other, one of the many to come for the following years.

****
He bit back the laughter bubbling underneath at the confused expression on Shinya's face. The drummer stared at the display in front of him, Toshiya, Die and Kyo's faces all mirrored Kaoru's amusement. Shinya turned around, hands on his hips, looking at them, the faintest amusement on his face.

"Who did this?"

No hands raised in admission. He just sighed, picking up one bundle of the dozens of bouquets that laid all over his drum sets and surrounding area. Another small smile appeared on his face at seeing the smaller present on his drum stool. He gave us a wary look, opening the small package which revealed a t-shirt and a much tinier t-shirt. He let out a hearty chuckle when he realized that they are matching shirts, one for him and the other for Miyu. The best part about personalized shirts are that anything can be written. And on Shinya's, it merely said "Pet" and on Miyu's written "Owner". Yes, thank the warped humor of leader of Dir en grey.

Many surprise presents were left around the drum sets of Shinya from there on, the drummer often bearing the teasing, not one step closer to knowing who is the person behind all these. Kaoru knew that the remaining three had suspected him but no one had confronted him, but perhaps if even possible, they had been giving him encouraging subtle and not so subtle winks which only the oblivious Shinya could miss.

****
"It was you"

He paused, turning around to see the younger man leaning against the frame post of the door, eyes unreadable. He flashed a quick grin, straightening from his position on the floor and meeting the drummer's unwavering eyes. Kaoru made his way towards Shinya, the other just watching him approach. Finally they stood within arms length of each other, silence almost unbearing.

"Why..."

Both heads turn to the door slamming down the hallway, seeing a familiar blonde coming their way. Kyo raised an eyebrow at them, slipping past them to enter their torture room. He caught the glint of shiny package on Shinya's drum, seeing Kaoru and Shinya standing there, piecing the information together, knowing that he had unfortunately chose the worst day to actually be on time. Turning around to leave, he saw Kaoru standing alone, Shinya already out of sight.

****
"Meet me there"

Instruction was received and was complied with. Kaoru find himself standing under the low eucalyptus tree, the scent tingling his nose, his frows furrowed under his messy mop of hair, him looking unseeingly at the few people around. The nip in the air from the weather changing from autumn to winter had kept most people in at this hour. He caught sight of the familiar figure shuffling towards him, hair tied up behind, clad in a simple t-shirt, jacket and pants but no less attractive. Maybe Kaoru is biased towards Shinya after crushing on him for so many years. No, this cannot be called as crush, can it? Does crushes last for almost 7 years? Maybe this is a fixation. Now that sounds worse than having a crush. Fixation is like a stalker, like an addiction, something that cannot be let go. That sounds like love. And yes, the leader knows that he is in love but the logical side of his mind always held him back, always giving him that hint of a doubt, making him apprehensive towards any declaration of love. But since he was already outed earlier, this shouldn't hurt. Right?

"So where do we go from here?"

Kaoru stared at Shinya, knowing full well what he meant but not knowing what to answer. Where do they go from here? What does he even want from Shinya? The drummer sighed, a hand reaching to hold Kaoru's in his, pulling the older man with him to the nearby bench, both of them sitting down in relative silence.

"Does it even mean anything?"
"Of course!!"

The loudness of the exclamation made Shinya jump a little before glaring at Kaoru who stared back with a sheepish grin apparent on his face.

"I never thought of it as you. Die perhaps. But not you"

The guitarist looked away, more doubt washing over him. Shinya took a look at their leader, knowing what Kaoru was thinking.

"No, I didn't hope it was him. I thought it was a prank by him. A long drawn out prank"
"So what now?"

Both of them fell silent, uncertain, both minds churning for a solution.

"You know what I want"
"Do I?"

He turned to Shinya, almost feeling himself blush at the intensity of the drummer's stare. This is unbecoming. He is over 30 years old. Man of that age do not blush, damn it!

"What do you want?"

He gave a disgruntled look to Shinya who seem all for extracting every single confession from Kaoru that night.

"You"
"I.."
"I want you. I had wanted you when you first laughed at Toshiya's outfit before our first performance. I wanted you when you gave me those little indignant looks when Die teased the hell out of you. I wanted you when you were drunk, crying your eyes out when your first girlfriend left you. I wanted you when you were so bloody stubborn on practicing when you were sick and pass out afterwards. I wanted you then. I loved you then. And I still love you now"

Shit. Did he revealed too much? The widened eyes blinked at him, the realization setting in. A hand was lifted. A finger stroked the firm jaw. A soft murmur left the lips previously so vehemently proclaiming the need, the want, the love. The hand dropped far too fast, Kaoru opening his eyes to look at Shinya who now chewed on his lower lips, his hands on his own lap, playing idly with a piece of thread from his jacket.

"I.."

Kaoru stood up then, hand reaching for his wallet to extract a worn photograph before placing it on Shinya's lap and then turning around to leave. Shinya need time. Time to think. Time to consider. Time to accept or to reject. He know that.

A day passed. Another passed. And yet another. He waited patiently. He have faith that even if his feelings were not accepted, they can still remain friends. Perhaps more distant but still friends. A soft sigh was heaved, he toss and turned, trying to sleep. Tomorrow is a long day with their schedules packed back to back with interviews with specific magazines and photo shoots. He cannot afford to lose any more sleep as it is. The welcomed oblivion greeted him much later.

****
"Shinya?"

The drummer stood from the couch where he was waiting patiently for Kaoru, a small smile on his face greeting the older. He took a step, and another, and another, and another. Finally they stood again like that day in the rehearsal room, face to face, silent, both perusing each other.

"I accept"

He grinned, taking the initiative to wrap his arms around Kaoru's still blanket warmed body.

"And I accept"

****
That photograph now still stays in his wallet, the picture of them when they first started, a picture where the entire group have a goofy grin on their faces, the drummer included, a picture where Kaoru's head are rested on Shinya's shoulder, the rest in similar position, five guys trying to take a picture of themselves with Toshiya's long arm holding out the camera precariously, the picture where behind neatly stated :

I snore when I sleep, I look like an idiot when I laugh, I take 2 hours to shower, I can't cook, I am very messy, I am bad tempered. If you accept, please take good care of me from now onwards.