Nostalgia

Letting Go (1/4)

Ruki x Kai

The starting of a relationship is always a bittersweet, two edged sword. There are the uncertainties that plagued the beginning, the words exchanged between two parties, the little hints dropped by either side, the non confirming of the current situation between the two. This ended in an uneasy but somewhat a warm feeling in both sides, the little smiles they offer each other, the meaningful words that only the two would understand. But then, how long can this last?

Kai sighed yet again, staring up at the dark sky filled with clouds, blocking away all sight of stars above. What is happening to them? Why had they come to this? He sighed yet again, thinking again of the several little misunderstandings between them, the times that both had turned away from the other in disappointment, the times that they had just let silence taken over instead of vocalizing what they are unhappy about. Silence is never a good thing. Silence drives people further apart. What more two people in a shamble of a relationship, if it can even be called a relationship, a relationship that neither side made the move to confirm on, one side too scared of the answer, the other too oblivious to it.

He thought back of the week, a disastrous week. Was it wrong of him to feel disappointed when Ruki had forgotten about the date that they had agreed upon after Kai coming back from his radio campaign with Reita? Something that Ruki had forgotten about even when Kai had subtly reminded him to make a reservation at the restaurant that both of them had wanted to try at for a long time. Upon Kai's returning and showing up at Ruki's door without even returning home, Ruki had stared at him in surprise, opening the door to reveal Aoi and Uruha playing on the PSP station behind him. A curve of Kai's eyebrow had Ruki revealing that he had forgotten the exact date that Kai was returning and to boot, he had forgotten to make a reservation at the restaurant.

The drummer wrung out a tight smile before shrugging his shoulders, telling Ruki that he is going home to unpack and he would see Ruki at rehearsal later that week. Kai going silent on him and walking away had Ruki known the disappointment that Kai had felt at his actions. Ruki quickly made amendments, quickly pulled all strings he could to get a reservation at that exclusive restaurant, quickly calling Kai to tell him that he managed to get a table for two for the following night. That made Kai smile.

Sitting at the restaurant, he looked around, beaming at Ruki who stared at him sheepishly, the night going well despite the initial hiccup the previous night. They are there on a date or was it just dinner between two friends. This is something that was never made clear to either of them. Ruki made an off comment that he was there the previous week with Aoi, that the food was passable and that the price was reasonable. An off comment which might mean nothing but then, it meant everything to Kai. Didn't the two of them agreed to come here together first? It might not be anything major but then it was somewhat of a promise between the two, something meant to be a 'first time' for them, something for them. To anyone else, perhaps to everyone else, everyone including Ruki, this is nothing major. But to Kai, it is. And he felt betrayed; felt that he was again let down by Ruki. He find himself oddly quiet for the rest of the night, his mood noticed by the increasingly antsy and irate Ruki.

Ruki excused himself to washroom, pushing back the chair loudly, sending Kai a particularly irate look, one that Kai himself too noticed but then he felt sighted and wronged to even want to try to patch this new little misunderstanding between them. Kai took another sip from the glass of red wine, tapping his fingers on the pristine white table top, waiting for Ruki to return. He finally too got up, making his way to the washroom to find his missing friend, boyfriend.

"Why the hell is he behaving like that for? Especially when you had gone out of your way to arrange this for him?"

Kai stopped in his tracks, the answer to that too soft for him to hear. He peeked in, seeing Ruki speaking to another guy dressed in a uniform, obviously the manager of the restaurant, obviously Ruki's friend. That hurted more than anything. To know that Ruki is badmouthing him behind his back. Of everything, perhaps this was what broke the camel's back. In the end, Ruki didn't understand him, did he? The fact that he was disappointed, that he felt betrayed was not so much as the actual actions, but what it meant. It felt to Kai that it only emphasized that he wasn't that important to Ruki, that he wasn't even worth the effort of remembering the date that he would come back from the campaign, that he wasn't even worth waiting for.

Kai walked away from the restaurant, walked away to the current park that he is seated at, walked away to think. Kai knew that he had little butterflies in his stomach whenever he finally received an e-mail from Ruki on his phone, sometimes he would open his phone, looking and hoping that the other would mail him first, somewhat a proof that the other cared enough, a proof that he isn't feeling this alone. Kai often hated himself then, hated himself for being weak, for being such a girl, for growing so dependent on Ruki. But then, that is what falling in love with someone means, isn't it? But then when they are in a relationship that isn't really a relationship, when both of them continuously misunderstand each other, when both of them fall into silence instead of voicing out to the other, when they resort to badmouthing the other behind the other's back, is it still worth hanging on to this flimsy relationship? Is it worth it to put in the efforts and the emotions?

He is tired, he is never lucky with relationships and he had thought that he was done and over with it. At least until Ruki came along. But then this again bit him on his ass, reminding him why relationships are not for him. For something that was never firmed up, for something that he don't even know whether Ruki treat him as a boyfriend or a friend, for something like this, maybe it is time to let go.