Messy without a Doubt

Beginning

Naruto woke up at his usual time the sun shining and the birds chirping with spring getting closer it really was a wonderful time.
School is almost over just a few more months and then college. College and Sasuke. Those are the two things Naruto can think about.

Leaving this place and becoming an author with Sasuke by his side. Naruto supporting Sasuke in everything and whatever he wants to do. Naruto couldn't help but smile at the silly thoughts. A happy life that's all he wants. That's all Sasuke wants, that's what they deserve right? Maybe the world isn't against them.

Naruto has had four anxiety attacks since his suicide attempt, all of them out of the blue he'll be sitting there anxious, angry and sad and then its like his whole world stops.

Everything around him moving and smiling, its loud, its so loud, his heart feels like it's not even beating like he's going to die. Naruto hates the feeling, he hates so many things.

He's gotten better but there are things that Naruto won't do. He won't go to the bathroom at school alone. He doesn't like walking around the school alone, he doesn't like going in public alone. He hasn't been to the cemetery, too ashamed of what he did of the promise he broke.

Naruto died that day, he had no heart beat he was presumed dead but his grandmother just kept trying until a miracle happened. He came back to life.

He can't tell you if it was a miracle, he can't tell you anything because despite most after a suicide attempt Naruto doesn't care that he's alive. He's happy truly, but he was prepared to die and that feeling of helplessness, loneliness, anger, that feeling of nothing sitting in you, you can't come back from being prepared to die. At least Naruto can't.

Yes he is happy, he has this life and he gets to be with Sasuke he'll get to graduate high school with his friends.

Yes he is happy that he has a life to live, but he is not going to get on his hands and knees and say thank you to his grandmother for keeping him alive. He wanted to die, he wanted it so bad. He fights the need to die to this day.

He fights the feeling everyday. When even the slightest inconvenience happens Naruto cries, when he wakes up from a bad dream he wonders why he's even here. Why does he still have to feel this pain when it all could've ended? Why couldn't he take his life? It's his life, his!

Was his grandmother selfish? Maybe, was Naruto selfish? Maybe. Will Naruto ever try to take his life again? No.

He won't, he owes it to himself to prove that he can live, that he can survive and that he can help who ever suffers.

Naruto is alive. Now he just has to move on and appreciate the life he has. No matter what it takes he will, because when all is said and done Naruto wants to look his Grandmother in her eyes and say, Thank You.

Because when he does, he'll know that he's okay, that he's strong. That he is living.

—-

Naruto got dressed he walked downstairs he frowned today was a Tuesday that meant therapy, Yay. Naruto hates therapy he hates it with a passion. Sitting there all awkward and such just looking at each other. Naruto doesn't lie, so when the therapist asks him something he answers truthfully despite how awkward the question.

Just another day, just another day.

Naruto grabbed his headphones and put them in his ears he waited for the bus his hands in his pockets. He doesn't like school everyone knows he's gay he recalls his first encounter with a bully when he got back to school after summer break and the beginning of many others.

The kid had brown hair, his eyes were blue Naruto didn't know him but he remembers exactly what he said and exactly what happened.

—-

Naruto was walking down to his locker in the middle of class it was the last time he ever forgot anything in his locker the kid came out of no where, he pushed Naruto up against his locker and asked him "You're gay?"

Naruto was at a loss, I mean clearly he was, he was caught literally kissing another guy. Why ask something if you already know that answer. Naruto pushed the kid away and dusted off his shirt, he looked at the brown haired kid up and down and then put on a shocked expression and said "You're not? You weren't the one sucking me off last night?"

The guy looked absolutely disgusted, repulsed and angry. He was embarrassed he frantically looked around there was a couple girls looking at them and whispering. The kid panicked, he didn't want to seem like he was gay, he punched Naruto in the face twice and then kneed him in the stomach.

That wasn't the last time he got punched if anything that was the beginning of daily beatings. Until finally they stopped, Naruto still doesn't know why.

Naruto walked off the bus. He found himself letting his mind wandering back to the old times. The times when all was good. This wasn't a good thing. It puts him in a mood and he's trying to avoid that mood. He walked to the lunch room and sat at the table with his friends.

Another day. Another day.