Rant book

My Regrets (Vent?)

I'm not really sure if this is a vent or not, and I really hope it isn't..I don't know though. It's just me rambling though I guess. I mean, it's a rant book.

Anyways..

Does anyone else ever get weird dreams where they do something wrong and you have someone you love get hurt, upset, sad, or angry with you? I've had those a couple of times.

Or I just flat out feel like I've done something wrong when in reality I haven't actually done anything wrong..it's weird. But I probably know why.

For those who are reading this and don't know me, let's just say I've made some..pretty horrible mistakes back then in my past, some of them are just embarrassing and understandable and small and stupid since we all make mistakes.

Others I could've prevented from happening and are like heavy chains wrapped around my wrists and ankles, pulling at them and squeezing them tightly, making me bleed sometimes and hurt to the point where I want to yell or scream from it.

But..I'm doing better and not making stupid mistakes like back then. I know that, yet at the same time I feel like I've done something wrong and it makes me nervous..

I get scared if the person that I love would think that I've done something wrong and would get mad at me or something..even though I've done nothing..

In some of my dreams though and I don't and WOULDN'T do it of course since I've change, but in the dreams I have a feeling that I've cheated..which is one of my past mistakes with some of my past exes.

I know some of you who don't know me or haven't heard of me doing that are going to be like,"Wow Mangox/Rei, you cheated? You're a horrible person and a slut."

Yeah yeah, think whatever you want. I've already learned from my past mistakes like that though and know that I'm different than I was back then. But wait

"If you know that you've changed then why are you ranting that you feel like you've done something wrong-"

Because I feel like I should, why do you care and why are you here if this is a rant book, what do you expect??

*Ahem* Anyways as I was saying, I just get feelings like I've done something like that only to have my lover get mad at me or hurt and it hurts whenever I think about that..I've done nothing wrong like I've said but I sometimes feel like I have and I feel like crying a little from that.

It's probably because of what I've done back then, and let's just say that one of my venting chapters in my vent stories has a chapter about those kind of mistakes that I've done, one that I can't take back and still am learning to forgive myself for.

Sometimes that mistake that I've made during that time hurts badly that I want to cry about it but never really allow myself to since I know that I'll get over it.

That stupid mistake that I could've prevented before though had hurt like a bitch and stung badly since I cried really hard that night, I can't really cry either or my mom and the others would ask why and during that time it was difficult to stay quiet while I was crying since I wanted to burst into tears from how bad it hurt.

Even after I woke up from that night my eyes were super sore and I felt a little weak and didn't want to stand and I guess I stayed quiet too..

Maybe that's why I feel like I've done something wrong though, or something else..either way at least I know that I've done nothing wrong despite how nervous I feel..My lover is right when they say that I really don't want to do something like that to them. That's probably why I get so nervous too.

I don't know though...I'm taking time to forgive myself though, I just wish that I could've done better to prevent it..I shouldn't have handled it on my own and act like I got rid of the friend when in reality I was too scared to talk about what I was doing just because I knew that my friends would've told my ex about that and me having to face the consequences of hurting them (even though I already have) and thinking that the person who I was doing stuff with would get mad at me over it which is why I was too scared to tell them off from the start or leave them because of how toxic they were towards me beforehand.

I only thought that they would get mad though since they used to snap at me a lot and crap, sometimes over my stupid actions. Other times over stupid little shit like me not knowing how to respond to something that they've told me and then them yelling at me with,"GOOD LUCK!?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN GOOD LUCK!!!"

And all of this happened because I was too scared and didn't have the guts to do it..it's like shooting an animal out of it's misery sort of, you're too scared to end it because you don't want to live with that fact and all, or you just don't shoot it and leave it suffering for a while and knowing that you could've prevented it from suffering a long time ago which you didn't do.

I should've shot the friend down though when I knew that they were already becoming toxic, I'm going to sound terrible for this but..I didn't leave them either not only because I was scared but I knew that they would get upset about it and if one of my friends knew them and asked what's up then they would've told them what had happened and what I've done.

My original plan was to just leave them though and live with the fact of what I had done and never speak a word of it, I knew I had a feeling though that someone would find out..no matter how hard I wished they wouldn't I knew that they would. They have, and I will always wish that I could've told them before instead of hiding it or leaving the friend and just staying alone even if I was going unstable from isolation and loneliness...

At least I've done it and learned though, even if I wish that I could've done better..

I'm sure that me feeling like I've done something wrong will go away. But this is probably why I have that feeling because of what I've done.

Now I know not to ever do it though, so I'm thankful for that..

I should stop talking about this though. This doesn't seem like a rant either though, this seems more like a vent.

Oh well, better to get it out than hold it in right?