Rant book

Worried

This is probably not a rant and just me rambling, I don't even think that this is a vent either. Probably something stupid..Ah well. I should still let it out though.

I've..kind of been sleeping more often than usual. It's kind of my fault though since I can't sleep at times and have been working a bit hard so I can get better grades and other stuff..don't think that I'm doing bad and all with school now -^- It's just that I'm aiming for better grades and it's working!

That's off topic though, I've kind of been sleeping a bit more and have been sleeping during day time a little..I'm fixing my sleeping my sleeping pattern though.

Sort of fucked it up at times but it'll go back in place soon.

Other than that..

I get a bit nervous sometimes. Not about sleep, and like I've said I fall asleep during the day time a little bit since I stay up late or just work a little bit more which is why I get a bit tired and why I'm fixing that..

But if you saw #Rant 9 then it somewhat has something to do with this in a way. I said that I have a feeling that I've done something wrong because of my past stuff..guess this is one of them and like I've said I've made some dumb mistakes and have done hurtful things back then and I can't say this out loud but in order for what I'm going to ramble about to make sense I guess I have to explain a bit..

I'll just try saying this story as short as possible,

There was a situation where a person that was considerably my friend after being told the truth about every horrible thing that I had done and all wanting to meet my group of friends and lover, I allowed it because well..I wanted them to find someone and have some friends too,

But then they tried to convince my friends and loved that I was manipulating all of them and still was unstable like how I was back then, and even tried to say that I've said some..disgusting and disturbing things to them..that I've never even actually said. Sure some of them were disturbing a bit but they either over exaggerated it or just straight up made that stuff up.

I was going to make a rant about this topic, "Trust" but decided that it was stupid to rant about. I'll tell you this at least, this person had shared out past stuff that I had trusted them to at least not share out towards my friends and lover and it kind of..I guess you could say, made my lover paranoid since I've done some pretty horrible things..cheating being one of them as said in #Rant 9.

My lover trusts me, I trust that they do. But they seemed paranoid about this person telling them all of this crap and what not about me that wasn't even true and some things that I've done in the past which I can't blame them for..

At one point though I got irritated because the person tried to make my lover even more paranoid than they already were by saying something about me not responding for a while and that I could be doing anything like texting someone else and cheating on my lover just because of what I've done in the past,

I've said this before and I'll say it again, I've. changed. I don't want to do anything like that and all or anything to them even if I have done horrible things. I love them. But doing that made me irritated because,

I can't just stay on a screen all the damn time 24/7. I have a life too out of the Internet and goals that I need to reach later on in life that require me spending time away from the screen, and having this person say that to my lover and making them paranoid over me not responding in at least a few hours or less because I'm busy

Is just a really fucking shitty low move for them to do, and if they're reading this and think,"Oh don't say that because you've done low moves too Rei." Then you can shut your actual ass up with that sorry stupid of an excuse,

Just because I've done low moves back then doesn't give you the right to do the same. That just brings you down to my level, lower than me actually.

Coming off topic here mostly, but to put it simple, they just made my lover paranoid and tried to make some of my friends scared and think that I'm still unstable like how I was or even worse than that or even manipulating them due to the lies that they were saying which again made me irritated at one point because one of my friends was actually seemingly sort of taking their fucking side which is what I was going to sort of rant about in the "Trust rant chapter" that I was making once. Don't get me wrong I trust my friends and all, I'm just taking time to be more open about things. That doesn't matter though and is off topic of what I said about me being irritated with the friend taking their side,

Anyways, because of that stuff..I get a bit nervous and worried if my lover thinks that I'm cheating on them or anything, hell even dumb auto corrects from my typos and what not set me off a little and make me get nervous if they ever think that I'm texting someone else or anything.

Not only do I miss them when I fall asleep, but I get scared if they think that I was doing something else when in reality I wasn't or think that I'm texting anyone when I wasn't.

Hopefully they aren't..It's a ridiculous thought to have because they said that they trust me..but it still makes me paranoid.