Katana's Revenge

The Rest Of My Secret

Song: Beauty from Pain by SuperChick

My dad takes us back to the facility. Before he leaves he gives me a big hug. "You did great today sweetheart. Now hopefully all this is behind us. We can move on."

"Thanks dad for being there for me today and thanks for not minding Raine coming."

"So this guy...Raine...are you two dating?"

A smile form on my face. "Actually he is just a really good friend. I'm not ready to start dating just yet."

"Good, hope it stays that way for awhile."

"Dad..." I smile back at him this ccx time rolling my eyes as he wraps his arms around me again before leaving. I go back to my room for awhile. I think of Raine. I mean I do like him and he is so amazing minus the anger issue. But I think if he ever was to ask me out I think that I might just say yes.

Later that night I walk down to the commons area where everyone is sitting around watching another sitcom. There is just not that much to do after most of the staff goes home. When they see me come into the room ReAnn gets up and turns the TV off. Apparently it is all over the news about the trial today and they are trying to keep it away from me. I'm sure Raine had something to do with it.

Everyone here knows the whole story now. They all know why I am here. No one has to say anything about it; I see it in their eyes and I know they all have an understanding about it. Even though I see the sadness in their eyes, I know somehow, someway they will all be there for me.

We have group therapy the next day and ReAnn speaks up. "I want to say that I am sorry Katana for the other day we were here and I said something about you lying. I'm sorry that...that happened to you. I can't imagine being left that way."

Raine reaches over and grabs my hand. I just don't have anything to say. I mean do I say 'its ok, no worries,' or do I say 'thank you'. I mean what do you say?

We all go around the room taking turns but I wave my turn. I have so much going on in my little brain that I'm just so not in the mood for sharing today. Which by the way does not make Sarah happy.

Afterwards she calls me over to her. "Katana can we talk for a moment?"

I walk over to her with Raine by my side.

"Walk with me back to my office." She turns to look at Raine. "Raine...you can go on. She will be fine with me."

He looks over at me to make sure that I am going to be alright. I watch him as he walks back to his other friends. I on the other hand walk back to Sarah's office. I go in and sit down in the comfy chair in front of her desk.

"Katana how is it going; you were really quite today?"

"I just have so much on my mind. I think the trial alone was just exhausting."

"You were very brave to make your confession. Were you happy with the outcome?"

"I guess so, I mean he got life in prison. It would have been great if he got the death penalty."

She looks up at me in shock. "You think he should die for his sins?"

"YES! I mean look at all those he killed, all those that he hurt and tortured. He has no right to live...he...he...killed my mom. I hate him. I hate him more than anything in this world."

"You have every right to have those feelings. He hurt you. He took something from you that you will never get back. He was prosecuted for his actions. Now we need to accept that and learn how to move on."

I think about what she says, that he took something from me. He did; he took a lot from me including my mom. I don't think I will ever be able to get over that. "How do you move on? How do you pretend that nothing ever happened?" Tears fill my eyes and I try hard to blink them away.

"You don't pretend...you accept it. It happened. It is in the past and now we have to work on the now and the present."

"How? How do I do that?"

"With help. Being with friends and family might help. Talking..."

"I thought I was going to die that night. I never thought that I would make it out alive. I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I know he can't get me. I know but I feel that every time I close my eyes I relive that night. I think what I should have done. If I never went in to begin with, if I just walked away none of this would have happened. But then would anyone ever know about the others? Would we have known about my mom? Maybe this was supposed to happen to me. Maybe bad things happen for a reason."

She doesn't say anything about that. Maybe I was meant to be there. I burned that house down for a reason. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I only wanted to hurt him. I have never admitted to anyone that it was me that done that. I feel guilty about it but I just can't let anyone know. I know it's wrong.

"Are you writing in your journal that I gave you?"

"I have been trying. Why?"

"How about you try writing a letter maybe even to yourself or someone to get out what is on your mind. You don't have to show anyone but it will get those thoughts out there."

"I don't know if I want to get some thoughts out in the open."

"If you want to heal completely, you got to get it out. I'm not saying you have to show anyone; I'm saying it will be out on paper. We can burn it afterwards if you want."

"So why even write it down if no one is going to read it and you plan on burning it?"

"Just do it Katana; you will feel a little better getting out."

When I get back to my room I lay on my bed. I think about what she had said. Maybe she is right. Maybe I just need to admit to everything. I mean if she is telling the truth and we are just going to burn it afterwards and no one is going to see it maybe I can do this. I take out the journal. I debate writing down anything but then I tell it all.

I knew it was a mistake going into that house. It was like something kept telling me to go away, just go away but then I just did it. I never thought he would really hurt me. I was stupid. I was naïve. I thought since Anthony was there everything would be alright. The look in his eyes told me I would never see another day. I was meant to die that night just like all the other women that he took there. I wanted revenge; I wanted him to die that is why I went back there that night. I was so messed up on shit that I wasn't thinking that he wasn't even home. I started the fire. I am the one who burned down the house. I am the one who killed Anthony's mom and sister. I let him take the blame for it. I'm the one who couldn't forgive Anthony so he went to school and killed those that were my friends. That was my fault. I did that to him. I made him lose it. He was looking for me that day and if I had been there I would have died. I know he would have finished what he was told to finish to begin with. Anthony took his own life that day. Was that my fault as well? Maybe, after all I couldn't forgive him? Not then anyway. If I could go back to the night we were at the party maybe I would have changed and told him that it was alright. After all it's not like he wanted to hurt me, he was forced to. Hell he could have killed me. He was supposed to have killed me but he laid me down on the hard ground and he left me alive. Maybe he meant for me to live. And this is what I did to him in return. I took his life away, his family, the house he grew up in. I did that. I took everything away from him so he had nothing to live for. That is why he took the gun to school, that is why he killed others and then himself. If I had said it was alright, if I had told him that I understood that none of it was his own doing. would he still be alive? Would those students at school still be here? I blame myself because I should have been able to forgive him.