Katana's Revenge

How To Believe, It's Going To Be Ok

Song: You Say by Lauren Daigle

I stay in my room the next few days. I don't bother going anywhere. I don't bother texting or calling anyone, n ok t even Jake. Hell I don't even get on my phone for social media. I just can't do it. I know people are talking about me and I don't want to hear what they have to say. No one knows the truth...the real truth.

Even though they know about Mr. Harper it was all in the damn newspaper. People are so freaking noisy. My name is also in the paper because I am over eighteen. My dad tried to keep it out but that didn't work. Everyone knows that I went into the house and that I put myself in that situation. Some say I was looking for trouble but this town knows Mr. Harper, he is a messed up evil drunk and took advantage of the wrong girl.

My dad will make sure he gets time out of this. What people don't know is about Anthony. Anthony didn't beat the shit out of me but he did rape me just as much as his father did. And to top it off, he left me for dead. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone about him but I keep it to myself. I think a part of me wants to deny that he would do such a thing.

I almost missed Christmas because I can't get up and move from my bed. My dad comes in early in the morning singing Christmas music. I never what to hear Christmas songs again. I wish Christmas would just skip on by this year, maybe even every year now.

"Merry Christmas...come into the living room...you have presents," my dad says cheerfully. He is even wearing a Santa hat.  I on the other hand groan and cover my head back up with the blanket. "You are not staying in bed all day...get up," he orders me.

I groan again and reluctantly get up. I make my way to the living room and he has a tree up with all the lights blinking. He hands me a present. I hesitate to open it but I do as he sits back and watches me. A shopping gift card...yay. I look up at him and smile. "Thanks dad."

"You are welcome...here open the rest." He tries to smile but doesn't really make eye contact with me. This has been going on since coming home, well really in the hospital. I mean he looks at me but not really at me. I don't know what is going on inside his head. I am still his little girl but I feel like a wall started to build up between the two of us.

Maybe it is just me after being left for dead I feel different about myself. I look up at him and he is watching me open the gifts but he can't seem to look up at me. I open them all and thank him for all of them.

I get up and hand him the only one gift that I was able to get him. My friends and I were to go shopping the next day after we went caroling but that didn't happened and I haven't been able to go since. He takes it from me and tries to smile. "You didn't have to get me anything."

"It's nothing really...I...I didn't have time to go shopping," I say a little disappointed.

He pulls the flannel shirt out and smiles. "Thanks...I really like it." He set it back in the box and pats it. " Well...we need to go by Grandpa's today; you up for it?"

"Not really, do I have to go. Dad look at me, I look horrible; I don't want everyone seeing me like this can you just tell them I have the flu or something?" The bruises are still there but faded just a little. They are turning that really ugly shade of greens and yellows.

"Katana, they already know what happened, it was in the paper. You can go for a little while and then we will come home alright."

"Dad...please," I beg him.

"Katana, we are going and that's final," he says ticked off and gets up to take his coffee mug into the kitchen.

I know when he says that's final...that's it no questions asked and there is no reasoning with him because what he says goes. I don't bother putting up a fight about it. I go to my room and try to add a little bit of make up to my face. It helps a little but there is still some swelling and no matter how hard I try it's not going to make that much difference. Just forget it.

When we show up he walks in before me and everyone is happy to see him. They all thought we were going to stay home. When they see me, I see it in all their eyes...PITY. The look is priceless really, that look makes me feel useless...hopeless. I know that they all care about me but I can't take this much longer. Family does that...care for each other. But it's that look that hurts. I don't want or need anyone feeling sorry for me.

The whole time we are here I get that look from someone, if it's not one of my grandparents it's an uncle, an aunt, a cousin...they all look at me with that same stare. No one really says anything about the so called incident.

When I walk into the living room everyone goes quite and changes the subject as if I'm stupid, like I don't know what they are talking about. I go back to the kitchen and tell my dad that I am ready to leave.

"But we haven't opened up gifts yet sweetheart," says Grams a little disappointed.

"I'm just really tired Grams. Dad can we please go?" I ask him again.

"First gifts and then we will go alright."

I turn and instead of going back into the living room for everyone to stare at me, I go outside and walk around to the barn. I find Shadow, my horse and pet him. I look into his eyes. "At least you don't look at me like you feel sorry for me," I sigh. I love on him for a while and then hear crunching of the rocks on the ground behind me. I turn to see my Papa walking towards me.

"There you are; everyone is getting ready to open up gifts you are going to miss out on it."

I don't say anything as I turn back around to glide my hand down Shadow's mane.

"You know there are lots of bad people in this damn world and bad things happen to the best of us. You're going to get through this and you are going to heal in time but you have to want it. Let God deal with them; he will punish them in the end."

I stop petting Shadow and let my hand rest on his back. Tears swell in my eyes as I try not to cry. I wish I could keep these freaking emotions under control.

"Katana, you are going to be ok. You are too strong willed to let this stop you from moving on. I know you feel that this is some how your fault but it's not."

I don't turn to look at him as a few tears fall silently. "He hurt me." I sniffle. "He took everything from me; I will never be the same as I was before."

"Young lady look at me." He touches my shoulder to make me turn to look at him. "Yes he hurt you but he did not take everything away from you Don't let him have that satisfaction." He wraps his arms around me. I wasn't planning on crying but here I am crying into his chest. "You got this; keep your chin up."

"Papa, I don't want them looking at me like that. Everyone looks at me like I'm a freak, that I am weak and helpless among other things."

"Honey, everyone is just worried and concerned about you. We are family and family cares about each other including you. Now come on Grams is going to get upset if you don't come in to open up presents."

We walk back into the house and when I come in everyone smiles at the two of us. No one looks at me like they were before so I assume Grams or my dad said something to everyone. I force myself to be happy for the next hour while everyone opens presents. I hide behind my fake smile that I give to everyone.

They all think that I am ok, that I will be fine but deep down I am loosing myself. I want to believe my Papa. I want to believe that God has this. I want to believe that all is better but I'm not sure if I will ever be better.