My Journal

September 13, 2014

So I feel like its been a while since I last updated even though it probably hasn't been very long.

Well lately I've been having a lot of issues with dysphoria. I relapsed the other day because I found an old pencil sharpener and I honestly don't know if I regret it or not. Like at this point I don't care about myself at all but I'm constantly wanting to cut all over.

But I'm kind of upset I guess because suicide has been on my mind a lot lately. I feel like all I am is added stress to everyone and me being trans doesn't help at all either and maybe if I killed myself I'd reincarnate as a cis guy and have a happier life. I understand everyone has hard things in life but when its something about my body this bad and I literally cannot change it and even if I do get the chance to its not good enough.

All week I've found myself thinking "I shouldn't have come out". I should have just stayed as a girl and tried my hardest to fit in and be normal and just be a girl.

I'm just such a fuck up and no one wants me around. I feel like even Claire, one of my closest friends, doesn't even want me around anymore.

The only person anymore is Rayn and he's two states away and I hardly ever see him. I miss my best friend so much. He's seriously the only thing keeping me from killing myself.

I'm sorry all I ever talk about on here is suicide and shit but its just on my mind so much and I can't stand it. I can't stand everyone using the wrong pronouns. I can't stand not having a penis. I can't stand my appearance. I can't stand my personality. I can't stand the fact that all I ever do is complain or how I don't usually see the bright side of things. I can't stand how high pitched my voice is or how I'm such a fucking loser I can't be in a real relationship and I can only ever be with people who only see me through a fucking camera. I just hate everything about myself its unbelievable. I wish I were just born right or said something when I was little instead of be a little pussy and fucking hide how much I wanted a dick before I even knew what it was. I fucking hate that my mom was too busy doing drugs to notice that I was different from the other kids. I fucking hate how my mom chose drugs over me in the first place. I fucking hate my life, my entire existence.

I should just end it and make things easier for everyone.