So a minute ago I was just thinking about next school and I just want to curl in a ball and never have to look at anyone again. Just thinking about next school year my anxiety is sky rocketing. I honestly just don't wamt to deal with people staring at me and interogating me or even assuming. Everyone thinks they know what I am and they all think I'm a fucking girl. And having to tell the teachers my name is Aryn is so annoying. Especially when they decide I don't deserve to be called what I need and they just don't care. Those are the teachers that make me want to be a bad kid. Those people are the ones who make me want to hurt myself. Who anger me to no end. Who make me want to just end and not have to deal with anything anymore.
I really just don't want to go to school. I'm having a pretty bad anxiety attack right now and its just from the thought of school. And my dad pushes me so hard to be a part of extra curriculars and it just adds more people that I have to deal with the scrutiny from. I swear it physically hurts when people blatantly stare at me as if I'm some monster or something. But then again I guess thsts why freak of nature is scarred on my thigh....
Maybe I should bring this up to my therapist but I don't wanna break out crying either. My last visit with them I almost started crying just bexause of something my step mom said to me on accident.
This is sort of another reason I want testosterone. I won't be so moody and cry at everything. And like everyone tells me guys are still all emotional and stuff but not this bad. At every little thing I want to cry like if anyone basically just brings up me being transgender I want to cut so bad and if anyone brings up school I cry and want to kill myself. It just sucks.
A few days ago I actually was talking to my grandma about testosterone and she said she doesn't want me starting it because its a big step but thats exactly what I want. I want actual change. At the moment all I have is someone to talk to and a binder and its not enough. I need something that will actually make me feel happy and good about myself. I want so badly to be able to look in the mirror and not be disgusted or pick out every little feminine thing. I want so badly for people to look at me and say 'That's a guy' rather than 'man that girl is a dyke'. I want to go a day without wanting to get high, cut myself, or kill myself.
I just want some fucking happiness.
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My Journal
Non-FictionI'm just a transboy looking for a way to get my feelings out. If you don't respect or don't like anything lgbt+, mogai, non binary, or queer--please leave. This journal may be helpful for some people who are new to the queer community or who are thi...
