My Journal

August 9, 2013

So, one of my friends is back in town. I'm so happy and I got to hang out with him yesterday. So, I'm going to talk about him for a second.

Rory is my best friend in the entire world and was born female like myself. We are both female to male transgender and plan on being on testosterone when we are older. We want to go to school in the UK together and both want to be scientists. He is a total nerd and has rubbed off on me a tiny bit. I am older than him by around half a year and i am a grade above him.

We are both bisexual and proud. He even asked a girl out this summer but sadly got turned down but I'm still proud of him.

He has told his mom he is trans* and she is supportive and has even gotten him a therapist. He used to self harm but has recently stopped which makes us both happy. His mom wants to help him as much as she can but sadly she cant do much right now. They live with Rory's grandmother who would probably freak out and kick them out if she knew so for now it is kept quiet until his mom can get enough money for their own house.

So, Rory is my best friend and we tell each other everything. We do many things together. During the school year we were constantly hanging out. He has a younger brother and since he has come out as trans* to anyone he has decided to be more of a masculine roll for his brother because their father isn't around.

So, my other friend who is also a grade under me is Cate. She is also mine and Rory's best friend and she knows we are trans* and she doesn't care. She looks at us the same. We have all grown close as friends and we basically know all of each others secrets.

We all have self harmed before but i have stopped along with Rory where as Cate, I have no idea. She got her phone taken away at the beginning of the summer so Rory and I haven't been able to talk to her at all. I really hope she is okay.

So you're probably wondering why I decided to write tonight of all days. Well I was just feeling specifically dysphoric tonight. I used to have blue hair but tonight i decided to dye it black because school starts soon and the blue washed out a lot. When i came into the living room my step dad had kinda freaked out because he said I looked like a boy since i have short hair and he was freaking out.

My step dad knows I am trans* but is against it. He claims its to protect me from mean people or something like that but i think he just doesn't like it. He almost outed me to my sister and brother before which upset me because i don't want to tell them. And my step dad is rather bad about me being trans*.

So i had gotten out of the shower and combed my hair then went into the living room because I'm not allowed to stay in my room because i was really depressed before. To be honest i still am depressed but i make it seem okay and i don't self harm anymore.

So i sat down and Rich - my step dad - said he didn't like it or something and ended up saying it looked like a little boy. I just shrugged because i honestly like when people say i look like a boy. That's what i aim for actually. But then him and my mom kinda started bickering about it.

Basically Rich ended up saying I'm the prettiest and most feminine girl in this house. Which hurt. I mean, of course it hurt. A minute later everyone ended up leaving the room and he lectured me on how beautiful i am and how he would love to make me wear dresses and make up and make me dance like a motherfucking ballerina. At that point i just went to bed and watched some videos before i decided to write on this.

And the worst part is my mom would do the same if she could. She would lock me up and make me wear dresses and make up. I mean, don't get me wrong, i love my parents. Of course i love them, they raised me. They're just good at making me feel bad sometimes. And i honestly wish i didn't come out to them.

I love them but it just hurts some times.

I guess I'll leave you with that now.

Goodnight, guys.