My Journal

August 13, 2014

I feel like crap right now but I should be super happy.

I just had a therapy appointment like an hour ago and my therapist talked to my dad for me and he said yes to testosterone. I can't wait. This is gonna be a long process and its gonna feel like forever before I get to actually start testosterone but the process is gonna be started soon so that really great.

But I also cant help but feel like crap. When we walked out of the place my dad had a super serious, adult-y look on his face and when I told him he looked mad he said he wasn't mad and went on to rant about how fucking stressed he is.

I kind of wish I didn't have my therapist talk to him about hormones because he's already got enough on his plate just being my dad and working.

I love my dad and all but he does a really good job at bringing me down. All I wanna do is be super happy that I'm finally gonna start hormones and all but all my dad can do is complain about how much more stress it is. And thats one of the things that makes me wanna kill myself. All I am is a burden and being transgender doesn't help.

And then I came home and my dad told my step mom and she's like "How does she know she's transgender," referring to me. And then she came and sat next to me and was like "You don't like girls and when you were little you didn't act like a boy or say you wanted to be a boy."

Okay so 1) She didn't fucking know me when I was little 2) I secretly did boy things like wear shorts under my pants and I constantly tried to make up excuses on how I actually am a boy 3) sometimes trans people don't show signs as a child and tomboys are socially acceptable. I WAS A FUCKING TOMBOY. And 4) I do like girls but not as guys and there are gay transguys, that is a thing.

I'm just so don't with my step mom and done with stressing my dad out. Maybe I should just stop eating, showering, doing anything. Hell maybe I should stop breathing. Maybe then my dad would be a little less hateful about the fact that I exist. I mean, he didn't want me anyway. Apparently he got super pissed when he found out my mom was pregnant with me. I should go away like I never existed and then things would go smoothly.