My Journal

October 19, 2020

Well I'm back to using this account. I guess I gave up on the new one. But the whole point of this entry is not for an update or anything, just vent. Which is really what most of this journal is. I don't know if anyone has bothered reading all the way to this chapter, but that's also not the point of this whole thing. It's just a place for me to talk and people can read it if they want but I don't really care either way because I'm pretty much anonymous on here so I know this won't really come back to bite me in the ass later.

As you know I've been battling depression and suicidal thoughts for a very long time. I was okay for the last like three years or so because I finally had my hormones and everything in control and shit was pretty good but man right now, right now life fucking sucks and I really want to die again. And I know I say that every single time I'm remotely upset and obviously I don't ever do it. I've never even had an actual suicide attempt before. But 21 is apparently a rough age, especially when I have lots of reason to hate myself. And I know almost all my self hate has to do with my appearance and materialistic bullshit and it's honestly so stupid and immature but appearance is a lot for people. The human race is always going to be reliant on self image and yeah, I don't care what other people look like. I don't care if someone is heavy or skinny or hairy or completely hairless. I don't give a single fuck what others look like. Look how you want. But that's the thing. To truly be happy about your appearance you have to look how you want to look and for me that's literally impossible. There's no possible for me to be what I want to be and that makes me want to just end it and start from scratch. I'm a pretty firm believer in reincarnation and I always wonder if I were to die would I be reborn again as I am or as a male or what? Is it even possible for someone to be born in a body they feel suits them? Does anyone actually love how they look? And if they do is it even possible for them to be good people or is that how narcissistic monsters are born? Could I come back again and actually have a decent life where I make smarter decisions and still be good? As much as I hate myself physically I don't want to lose the fact that I love animals and it's my dream to do something good with my life? But even if I do have those good qualities I'm always going to hold myself back from doing what I truly want because of my insecurities and honestly laziness. I graduated high school with D's and never even tried to get into college because I made up reasons why it just wasn't possible for me and now I'm just fucking stuck. I'm stuck living with my friend and struggling to make ends meet working at motherfucking Mcdonalds and I'm watching everyone I graduated with finish degrees and get jobs in the field they want to be in and I'm just sitting here watching YouTube videos about the things I like and crying because I didn't bother doing anything to benefit myself because I feel like I don't deserve it.