"We have to think realistically, Rose. I understand that you want to keep the child, but you have to think what's best. I don't think you get it." Namjoon said, but I refused to listen.
Namjoon was pushing for me to agree with him that adoption was the best route. This isn't something I wanted to agree with or even push for. I knew this decision wasn't right for me and I was going to make sure he understood that.
"Nothing you're going to say is going to change my mind. I have time to prepare, I have time to finish studies, I have time to make sure I can provide, I have time to figure this out, Namjoon. I don't like that you're just knocking it right off the bat. And I'm sorry, but you can't decide what's best for me. It's up to Taehyung and I, not you."
Namjoon sighed heavily, bringing his thumb and his pointer finger to the bridge of his nose. He squeezed it gently in stress, before talking again.
"I didn't want to tell you this because I didn't want you to worry. You're not an adult, so clearly you wouldn't understand how scary this is. But I've received mail about our home. The owner wants to sell this home, and while we are staying here thanks to government assistance, they don't want us here anymore. We don't have much time to figure this out. And quite frankly, I don't know what I'm going to do." Namjoon's voice shook as I could tell he was getting emotional from the topic.
"I've been lucky enough to have this place and using the money left from their will. I picked up a job that doesn't pay much but it's something, instead of going to school and I've sacrificed a lot for you Rose. I did that so you can have a place to sleep, food to eat and clothes to cover you. But now...now we're having another individual come into our lives and Rose...I don't want it to go through what we're about to go through." I heard Namjoon begin to choke, like he was fighting his tears back. He swallowed hard, trying to remain strong which caused me to gently grab onto his hand in support.
"Joon...why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't wanna scare you. I thought I'd have something figured out. I don't want you to worry. This is what I am supposed to do. I'm supposed to provide for you and I feel like I'm failing. I don't know what we're going to do...apartments are too expensive. I can't afford it. Our family is so far into the country side, I couldn't get to work from there. I don't know what we're going to do. And now you're having a baby...I don't want you to worry about where we're going to go. I want you to think realistically. You're not ready, believe me. Being a parent is tough. This next chapter in our lives isn't going to be very....very difficult and I don't want a baby to deal with consequences because I can barely provide for its mother." Namjoon managed to say while shedding a few tears. I've never seen him so genuinely upset, and it worried me.
"While I love the idea of you having your baby and raising it here...I just don't want you to go through what I have to go through, Rose. It's been so hard. I just want what's best for that little guy inside of you. And if it means giving it to someone who can give it what it needs, then I'll sleep at night. I know this is your baby, you can do what you want and I'll support you, but I really think you need to consider adoption. That's the only way it'll survive."
This couldn't really be happening.
"I want you to do what you feel is right. This is why I was telling you, you need to focus on school, you need to get a good job, fuck, even drive. There's so much you need to do. Bringing a baby into this mess is not ideal. I came off harsh, but it's because I'm angry and I'm scared. Just think about it, Rose. I know you have some attachment to it already, but do what you think is best. I think you know what the best decision for it is." Namjoon cried, reaching for a tissue to his side before bringing it to his nose. He was so heartbroken by his own words, it caused me to feel almost emotional too.
