Wonderland // McFly

Losing the Plot

July 25, 2014

The rest of the On the Road Again tour went smoothly. We all followed our routines, and luckily things between Niall and I didn't become awkward. I'll give him all the credit on that. He still brought me waters and we still engaged in friendly talk. He was like a puppy. If you accidently kicked his head, he'd forget about it five seconds later.

They'd been done touring for a while now and they were finishing up the McBusted album. Things were going smoothly this summer.

But today was the day of Danny and Georgia's wedding.

Once again, the other band members were his best men. It was always fun to get to watch the other three, whichever three that maybe, depending on the wedding. It was weird to think I'd only have one more opportunity to watch them be best men all together after today.

Danny and Georgia had the biggest wedding of the three married McFly members. It was also the most like a party, which made sense, considering who the bride and groom were.

There was tons of music, including a small set by McBusted and a DJ section by Danny. Everyone danced all night and food and drinks were always being brought out. We ate a three course meal with cake and still, there was food everywhere.

The theme of the wedding was that it was meant to be kind of like a music festival. The invites looked like backstage passes as well.

It was sunny and warm, which was wonderful considering the reception was outside, and it was nice to be able to spend the day with all the girls. The list consisted of Emma, Gi, Izzy, me and Ellie.

I'd met Ellie before this point, but we were really able to speak more today, as we all clumped together for basically the whole time. She had so many wonderful ideas about female empowerment and the importance of health over beauty in the media. I could see why Dougie liked her. She even told me she'd gotten him to go to the gym with her a few times, to which I applauded her. That's more than I was ever able to do.

It made me feel a little bad at first. When Dougie and I were together we basically lived off of take aways, pizza and alcohol. I soon reconciled with myself, however, when I reminded myself of how different life was back then.

The ceremony had started early in the morning and lasted the whole day. It was early into the morning of the next day when Tom and Gi gave me a ride home .

"Thanks guys!" yelled through the darkness towards the open car window as I ran up my front steps.

"Bye Lil!" Tom called. "See you at the studio on Monday!" Then, they drove away.

I took out my keys and quickly unlocked the door when I saw mail that had been pushed through the letter slot. I pick up the stack of a few envelopes, shifting through. And there it was.

Baltimore Paramedic Program

I stood there, eyes practically popping out of my head, in silence, just staring at the envelope for about five minutes.

It's moments like this that convince me my life can't be like a movie, like James told me. If my life was a movie, I'd rip open the envelope and get the answer I wanted to hear.

But because this wasn't a movie, because this was a real human life, I didn't rip open the envelope, because I didn't know what answer I wanted to hear.

This situation was just as bad as it was good, and just as good at it was bad.

I've been trying to lie less, and I would be lying if I didn't say that getting into this program was a dream of mine. If I opened this letter and was accepted, I'd leave England. I know I would.

If I wasn't accepted, I'd be genuinely heartbroken. But I've been heartbroken before, and broken hearts do heal. I would still have a lovely house, my best friends surrounding me and amazing job, and I know with time, my heart would mend itself.

If I did get accepted, I would be able to go on to experience a once in a lifetime opportunity pursuing my dreams. But at the same time, I would lose everything I had found when I was seventeen. I'd be in a place once again where I knew nothing and no one around me, and I wasn't sure I'd be as lucky the second time around.

I stood up straighter, placed the envelope on the table and went upstairs. I showered, put on my pajamas, went back downstairs and chugged a glass of water. I put the glass in the sink, and began to walk upstairs. When I passed the kitchen table, I grabbed the envelope without looking at it, and kept going forward, almost like a shark.

I turned off  all the lights and got under my covers. Then, I started to tear at the edges of the envelope.

I hoped I'd get a paper cut so then I could procrastinate more and have to get up for a band aid, but no matter how many sharp edges my fingers glided across, nothing happened. It was like trying to cut a diamond with a butter knife.

Just enough  moon and star light shone in from my window to illuminate the first sentence of the letter.

Dear Ms. Greene,

Congratulations.

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