Wonderland // McFly

I Can't Forget Her

December 9, 2014 

The plan had been to tell James and Matt yesterday after rehearsals finished, but Tom had made a very valid point that if Dougie and Danny realized they were the only ones who didn't know this "secret" they would get mad and pressure me into telling them. Instead, when I got home last night, James, Matt and I all video chatted so I could tell them. 

When we were all meant to hang up at the end of the conversation, Matt left first, and just as I was about to end the call, James spoke up. 

"Lilly, wait!" He called out from the screen. 

"What?" I ask. 

"Have you told him?" 

"Who?" 

"Dougie." James says. 

"I'm telling Danny and Dougie tomorrow." I say. James shakes his head. 

"No, not that you're leaving. That you're in love with him." He says. 

"What? James are you kidding? I'm not doing that! He's dating Ellie!" I say. 

"Yeah, yeah I know, the circumstances suck. But you have to tell him! If you don't tell him, you'll regret it the whole time you're gone." James pleas. 

"No...no." I shake my head. "I couldn't do that to either of them. That's just wrong." 

"Well...tell him that you aren't looking to be in a relationship with him again. Tell him you just need to say it to let yourself move on. To get it out there. Then there's no way you'll get rejected! Because there's nothing to reject you from!" James smiles like he's a genius. My stomach churns. 

"I'm hanging up now." I say, quickly pressing the button before he could interrupt. 

But now that was over and it was a new day. 

At the beginning of rehearsal, I asked Dougie and Danny to stay back afterwards. No one asked any questions as everyone else already knew the reason, and Danny and Dougie themselves weren't quite bright enough to question me. We didn't speak of it again through all of rehearsal. When they started to pack up, Dougie was the first to rush out the door. 

"Where's he going?" Tom asks, and I quickly run out of the studio into the hallway to catch up with him. 

"Dougie!" I call out. He turns back to me. At first, I worry maybe someone had already told him. That he knew what I was about to tell him and he was angry. But I realize that this isn't the case. He just truly forgot. 

"Oh Lil I'm sorry." Dougie says, walking up to me. We meet halfway down the hallway from the recording studio and front door. "I really can't stay." 

"What? But-" 

"I know, I'm sorry. But I've got a date with El and I'm already late." He says, looking at his phone screen. He looks back up at me. "You can tell me tomorrow, can't you?" He asks sweetly. 

No Dougie. I can't tell you tomorrow. I need to tell you now. This is something really important. More important that one date. I need you to be here.  

That's what I should have said. 

"Yeah." Is what I actually said, with a weak smile. He smiles, giving me a hug with his arm that isn't holding his bass case. He backs away towards the door. 

"Thanks Lil. Tomorrow." He says, leaving. I wave half-heartedly, and once he's out the door I sigh and trudge back to the studio. 

I didn't want to tell Dougie alone. The whole plan was that I would tell Danny and Dougie together so that I could be more concerned with stopping Danny from crying (because I knew he would) than to actually cry myself. 

When I pushed open the studio doors, James and Matt were gone, Danny was sat in a chair and Tom and Harry were stood on either side of him. 

"Where's Dougie?" Harry asks. 

"He left." I say, rubbing my forehead. 

"What?" Harry asks, anger clearly growing. "Why?" 

"He's got a date." I answer. 

"Oh no he doesn't." Harry says, starting towards the door, but I grab his arm and give him a look to tell him not to bother. He sighs, and goes back to where he's standing. 

"What's going on Lilly?" Danny asks. I refocus my attention to the task at hand and sit in the chair that's been set up just across from Danny. 

"Danny." I smile, leaning forward and grabbing his hands. "I want to thank you for...everything you've done for me." 

"That's it?" Danny asks. "Well...no problem. Thanks for everything you've done for us too." He smiles and so do I. I can't help it. 

"You're welcome. But...that's not actually it." I say. 

"Oh. Okay, what else?" He asks. 

"Danny...I'm quitting." I say. His smile doesn't fade. 

"Quitting what?" He asks. I look up at Tom and Harry who are behind him smirking as if to say see? It's not just us. 

"I'm...quitting my job, Danny." I say, letting my smile fade. His doesn't. 

"What job?" He asks. Tom and Harry roll their eyes. He's really gonna make me spell it out, isn't he. 

"I'm quitting my job for Fletch as your manager." I say. 

And then his smile fades. 

And he instantly starts crying. 

"No Danny don't!" I say sadly, hugging him in my arms. I look up at Harry and Tom for help but they don't know what to do. 

"Why are you leaving?" He sobs into my shoulder. There's probably snot on me, but I don't care. 

"I'm moving to America." I say. Then, I realize this is not what I should have said and Danny starts crying harder. "No, it's totally going to be fine!" I try and reassure. 

"WHY AMERICA? THAT'S SO FAR AWAY!" He says. 

"Danny, listen to me." I say, getting him off my shoulder. He sits up, still crying just as hard. "I've been accepted into this really amazing program to become a paramedic!" I try and sound excited to convince him he should be too. He sniffs, wiping his nose. 

"You..." He starts, "you probably would be really good at that." I can't help but chuckle. "When will you be back?" 

I look up behind him at Tom and Harry who also look curious as to the answer, but as soon as they look at me, I can tell they know I don't know when or if I am coming back. I look back to Danny. 

"I'm not sure yet. But as soon as I get there and they let me know, I'll tell you." I say. 

"When are you leaving?" Danny sniffs. "Right now?" I see him starting to get teary again. 

"No!" I say quickly, trying to prevent the tears. "No. But I do leave after the first McBusted show." 

"Six days?" Danny asks. "Who made that rule? That's cruel!" I laugh a bit. 

"Tell that the the Baltimore Paramedic Program." I say, and the others boys chuckle too. I suppose it wasn't that funny, but we needed something to laugh at. 

"Will you at least be there? To watch us play?" Danny asks. 

"Of course I will, Danny." I say. 

"The whole time?" He asks. 

"The whole time." 

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