Wonderland // McFly

I'll Be Okay

December 15, 2014 :McBusted Most Excellent Adventure Tour, O2 Arena; London, UK

We tried to pretend today was a normal day. But it's hard. Not only because today was the day I was leaving, but also because it was the first day on tour.

I was good at telling myself I was normal, even if it wasn't true. It used to be like a daily reminder. Not because I couldn't handle the constant crowds or nights on tour. It was more like when I had a hard day and all I wanted to do was come home and have my mum give me a hug and make me a hot meal.

Sometimes, when things get really hard, to distract myself, I'll imagine how my mum would cuddle me. The exact way she would wrap her arms around me based on the situation I was stuck in. That was the normal I wanted.

But today, I would have taken anything I could get. A cramped bunk with cheap curtains and recycled air at the end of the night never sounded so good.

If I told myself I was normal enough times, I often forgot it was a lie at all. Sure, my definition of normal isn't like most people's, but it was enough. It might not have been a certain house on a certain street or a certain routine everyday. But sometimes it's the people around you that give you the comfort you need more than anything else ever could.

Today, though I tried to lie to myself, the voice in my head reminding me at the end of the night I wouldn't be here anymore was too loud for me to think about anything else.

The boys did fine acting like it was a normal first day on tour. Maybe this was because they were excited. Maybe this was because Dougie still didn't know I was leaving and they didn't want to give it away for my sake. Maybe it was because every time one of them looked at me, I saw their eyes well up and they just couldn't handle the pain.

No matter how they were feeling, the show went on amazingly. The O2 was packed full and the rush wasn't any dimmer than it had been anytime before when they had been on tour. In fact, the rush seemed greater tonight. It could have been because James and Matt were there or because I was trying to take everything in as much as I could for the last time.

The show was long. The setlist was the longest one they'd ever played with songs from the McBusted album, Busted hits and McFly hits. The stage was custom built with a giant workable Street Fighter video game display, a moving B-stage, and trap doors that they shot up from on the floor. Not to mention the OMFG zone which was a pit just in front of the stage enclosed by a walkway. Everyone in the Arena envied the small amount of fans who were that close to the stage. I would watch them through the whole show reach their arms out as far as they could, trying to touch the mic stands, or nab a fallen guitar pick, or if they were really lucky, be able to touch one of the boys. I kind of felt like I was reaching out too, but there was nothing for me to touch.

The show had gone off without a hitch, and as The O2's curfew drew closer and closer, I felt a weight pressing down on my chest.

It was the last song now. And the stage was illuminated by a single spotlight on James as he started to strum his acoustic guitar. I walked as close to the edge of the stage as I could without being seen.

Along she came, with her picture,

Put it in a frame, so I won't miss her,

Got on a plane, from London; Heathrow,

It seems such a shame, yeah

I feel her

Slipping through my fingers,

Now she's gone, I'm sleeping with the light on,

And sharks swim through my veins now, that she's gone,