My Saviour - Tanner X Woods

Chapter 27 - Struggle

Woods POV

"Woods?" Paul shouted from the other room. I quickly closed the box and placed it back in my bag and hurriedly walked out of the bathroom wiping away my tears. I placed my bag into my room and laid on my bed. I grabbed my laptop and pretended to be working.

"Yeah?" As I shouted back, Paul slowly entered my room. 

"You alright? I thought I heard you crying." He said, a little concerned.

I chuckled a bit to throw him off. "No? I've just been doing work." 

"Alright. But you can talk to me about anything you know." He smiled.

"Yeah. Thank you." I smiled and he slowly walked out and closed the door. I slumped down into the bed. That small encounter was so draining. I think he believed me though. I didn't think I was crying that loud. I tried to muffle my pathetic sobbing in my shirt. I guess that plan failed. 

I can feel everything getting worse. I'm just about managing to keep it locked away from others. It's for the best. If somebody talks to me about their problems I push mine away and let them build up. I just have to pretend I have no idea what they are going through so they don't suspect anything is wrong. 

If anybody asks if i'm okay, I just nod and smile. They instantly believe me because they remind me that the wall I was hiding behind had slipped and they could see I wasn't, so I instantly build it back up and hide away from them. I find it crazy how much a smile can hide. 

I'm not eating or sleeping properly again either. I am awake until 3am every night and if I don't have work, I am asleep until the afternoon. Sleeping just seems near enough impossible. But when I do eventually sleep, I never want to be woken. If I wake up, the thoughts come back, the pain comes back, life comes back. I hate all of those things. Once I wake up, I can't get back to sleep so I just sit and think. Productivity levels: None existent. I can't work, I can't sleep. 

I decided to get up and go and sit with Paul. I didn't want to bother him but I didn't want to lose myself in my thoughts again. I know where that will end up..

"Hey Paul. Can I sit in here?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah! Feel free." He gestured to a chair by the side of his desk. "Pull that up." He smiled. 

I placed my laptop on the desk, grabbed the chair and sat down. I hadn't seen his office before. It was pretty cool. There was a small floating bookshelf on the wall with books we were reading at work. It was very basic. He had a large calendar poster on his wall by the door and a clock just next to it. He had a small wooden desk with drawers on one side and small shelves on the other. 

"You want to talk?" Paul asked slowing looking up from his work. 

"No, I'm good thanks." I smiled. "I just need to make a few calls. I'll be back in a sec." 

I quickly rushed out and downstairs. I could feel my breathing shift. I ran outside into the back garden and sat on the floor, leaning my back against the wall of the house. I grabbed my phone and looked through my contacts. I tapped quickly on one and pressed call. 

As the phone rang, I felt myself going heavy. I placed my hand on the floor and tried to keep myself upright. My breathing wasn't improving and I could feel everything crashing down around me. 

"Hello, Kai speaking." A voice spoke on the other side of the phone. 

"Are you busy?" I asked through my weak breaths. 

"What's happened? What's wrong?" He asked calmly.

"I don't know." I began to cry. "I don't know.." 

"That's okay. You don't have to know. Just speak to me. Remember your breathing techniques. 7.4.8. Remember?" 

I breathed and counted. I felt my shoulders relax and my breathing begin to calm. It helped me stop crying too. 

"Good. Now, would you like to talk?" 

I remained silent for a little bit, still focusing on my breathing. "Sometimes I feel like the emptiness I feel is my enemy. Other times, It's my saviour. There are moments where I wish I couldn't think at all and others when all I want to do is feel something. But having thoughts creates questions. Ones I can't seem to answer. They create deep routed insecurities that find a way of digging away at me until I break. Those are the moments that I wish I couldn't think." 

"Are you sure questions create insecurities? Or do they dig out ones you already had?" Kai asked sounding sceptical. 

"I don't know." I went silent. "When I'm empty, I often wish I could think. Then I would feel something. Something is always better than nothing, right? When I'm sat with nothing on my mind, I find it difficult to do anything. The smallest of tasks become life or death situations. My basic functions forget what to do and just leave me in this endless state of emptiness. But within the emptiness is pain. I feel pain because all I want to do is end this cycle of emptiness. I guess that goes against me feeling empty because I feel pain. I know these feelings won't completely go away. It may leave for a second, minute, hour, day or month. But I know it return. It always does. I guess that's what makes you realise you are feeling. When you don't feel anymore." 

As I said that. I felt the emptiness find me again. I couldn't cry I couldn't smile. I couldn't do anything. I was lost.

"Are there any particular times or places where you feel more empty than others? What sort of thing could be triggering it?"  I heard the voice say.

"I'm not sure. I feel at any time really. It isn't triggered by anything, It just comes along. I don't feel strong emotions before hand either. It's not like going from feeling a thousand things at once to nothing. It seems to be a steady decline into it. Somehow that makes it worse. I can feel myself falling but can't escape it." 

"Alright. You will realise what it is soon. You will be able to get around this feeling. Nothing lasts forever." 

I sat silently. I couldn't think properly. All of my thoughts had merged into a single blurry mess. I couldn't pick out any single thought. "Alright." I finally replied. 

"How are you feeling?" Kai asked.

"Exactly how I just explained. Empty. You're just another person I'm letting down." I admitted.

"It doesn't work like that Woods."

"Look, I know you're trying to help, but I can't feel grateful, I can't feel sorry. I can't feel anything." I said harshly.

"It's okay." He said softly.

"I was beginning to feel normal for the first time in ages. I felt like a weight had been shifted. I felt like I was breathing again and then... and then there it was, the emptiness. It hit me hard and it's here right now." I would usually cry if I said something like that but I couldn't.

"It's not surprising." 

"What, You mean it'll never go?" I asked.

"It will. Hang onto that moment of relief Woods. Remember how it felt. And how it is possible to fell better again. You're healing takes time. So give it time. Coping is how we deal with the hard times. It's something you've stopped being able to do."

"I'm fine. I'm coping." I retorted.

"You're coping with yourself Woods. It's not the same." 

I sighed. "Sorry to bother you. I'm gonna go." 

"Alright, but ring me if you need me." 

I ended the call and sat silently. I closed my eyes and tried to clear my head. I felt like a burden to everybody. Even Kai. I felt bad for existing. I hated this feeling. It was suffocating. I couldn't deal with the overwhelming urge to just end it all. I had this fear that I would actually go ahead with it, but at the same time I wished I would.

Maybe I will.