My Saviour - Tanner X Woods

Chapter 31 - Detatched

Woods POV

I suddenly awoke as if it was an emergency, almost like sleeping had become dangerous to do. My heart beat fast and a screaming alarm sound screeching in my head. My mind racing with possible solutions for what just happened. I figured the day would probably pass as if I am hungover, not from drink, but from the nightmares that demand solutions. It was a tiring and gruelling process.

The right side of the bed was still slightly warm from the blonde haired man I had slept next to. But now he was gone and I was here, struggling for air. I guess that feeling of cooling warmth is an unpleasant one to say the least; knowing someone was once laying there with you, keeping you warm and cosy; but now they had left, leaving you cold and uncomfortable.

The silence became suffocating. I slowly stood up from the bed and walked out of the room. I was a little confused at first, having to remember who's house I was stood in. I looked around and saw a hole in one of the doors across the landing. I guess I was at my house. I turned left for the stairs. I crept down each step, a couple of them creaking slightly under my unsteady footing.

I saw the blonde haired man sliding around the kitchen in his underwear. I found myself unable to smile at this. I was very much aware that I would usually laugh or grin at this peculiar spectacle. Instead I just continued the unsteady walk towards them, a blank canvas over my face.

As I reached into the cupboard I heard a slightly shocked sound spill from their mouth and fill my ears. "Oh hey, you scared me." He chuckled, placing his hand on his chest as though it would slow his heart beat. "You okay?" He asked, now sounding concerned.

"Yeah. You?" I still found no smile, real or fake, cover my face. Instead, just an overwhelming sense of emptiness ran through my body.

"I'm great. You wanna talk?" He asked, calmer now, but I could still hear an echo of concern in his voice. I shook my head. I was seeing my therapist today anyway so there was no need to be any more of a burden.

"Nah, I'm good." I replied. He pursed his lips in disbelief as I walked away. I was going to eat but decided not to.

I headed back upstairs and began to get ready for work; the empty hole in my chest feeling as though it was growing bigger. I'm beginning to notice that I can't hide behind a smile like I used to. I can't seem to even fake it anymore. It's as though someone has strings that constantly pull the corners of my lips down. Anytime I try and fake a smile, those strings get tighter and more painful so I just give up.

People who mean so much to me are now just people. They aren't anybody special. I'm detached from feeling anything towards them because I'm scared they will just leave. It's better not care about them in the first place so it doesn't hurt so much when they leave.

I don't have energy to do anything recently either. I wake up, brush my teeth, wash my face, get changed and leave for work. Every. Day. This simple routine I've been doing for years. I used to sing and dance as I did it. Now I just do it like all the other meaningless things I do. There's no emotion to it. None at all. That's what everything is like recently. An endless boring cycle I do, day in, day out. No questions asked. But if ones small things shifts, I freak. It makes me question whether I should give up the rest of the cycle, or continue like nothing changed.

When I finally begin to feel again, something small happens and I revert back to the emptiness. I just want to be happy for more than an hour. That's my goal. But I know that something will happen again. A small comment made by a singular person, a single thought, or a song. Anything can do it. That's why all I want to do is sleep. Then I don't have to feel anything My mind would be finally clear of racing thoughts and everything else, calm.

But now it seems sleep has also become a place of discomfort and racing thoughts. I suddenly wake, shaking to my core, sweat pouring off me, my heart pounding in my chest and a thousand questions left unanswered. How can I trust anyone or anything if the only escape is still being tainted by my thoughts?

I headed to the bathroom. I stumbled to the sink and looked at the figure in the mirror. Who was it? It wasn't what I wanted to see. It wasn't who I wanted to be. I just wanted to see a strong, confident man, who actually gives a damn about himself and doesn't care what others think; instead, I saw a weak, pathetic man who panicked about literally everything. I turned on the tap and placed my hands under the freezing cold torrent of water. I lent over sightly and splashed the pool of water I had in my hands, over my face. The cold sting seemed to be painfully refreshing. I rubbed my face gently and stood upright, looking back into the mirror. I still hated what I saw. I rubbed my tired eyes and continued getting washed and brushed my teeth.

I heard Tanner humming quietly to himself a I walked down the stairs. He grabbed his keys and tossed them to me. "You're driving." He smiled. I nodded and we headed out. As I opened the door, I was shocked by the darkness that still covered the garden. I forgot it was so early. I forgot we had to drive for hours just to get to work. I shook my head and climbed into the car. Tanner locked up and climbed in the other side, slamming the door as he did so.

"You're quiet. What's wrong?" He asked, sounding concerned as always. Whenever he talked to me his eyes were always filled with sympathy and his voice constantly concerned. I hated it. I just wanted to be looked at the way everyone else gets looked at. Pitiful looks don't help the situation in any way, if anything, they just make things worse. It reminds you that you have a problem and people are aware of it. I guess it shows they care but I just despised it.

"I'm fine. Don't worry." I lied, as always.

"Please don't lie to me Woods, I want to help you." He said softly as I pulled out of the drive and sped down the road.

"I'm seeing my therapist later, I will be okay."

"That's not what I asked. I know you're not okay and that's why I asked what's wrong instead of asking if you were okay." He said as though I was completely stupid. It hurt a little.

"It's nothing, as I said, I'm seeing my therapist later so it can wait." I said, feeling myself get frustrated. I pushed my foot down harder on the accelerator, trying to shut Tanner up. It worked, thankfully. The drive was now silent. But that meant the thoughts were louder. I just didn't know if I could control them..

-A/N-

Sorry about this chapter, it's just my aimless ranting. So, apologies. Next chapter will be better. Promise. Stay safe. -Fluffy.