My Saviour - Tanner X Woods

Chapter 9 - Pushed Away

Tanners POV
We got into my car and drove to work. The journey was silent. Woods stared blankly out of the window without a single word escaping his mouth.

When we arrived he sighed. He climbed out the car slowly. I got out of the car and scanned my card over the office lock; the beep clearly indicating I could now walk in. I opened the door and Woods walked into the building. He was greeted by Paul.

"Hey Woods. How are You?" He asked cheerfully, completely unaware of what had happened earlier.
"Hey. I'm fine thankyou. How are You?"
"I'm good thankyou. It's good to have you here." He smiled widely. "Right I have to get some work done. We can talk later." He walked off.

I smiled lightly and took him upstairs to Matt's office. "Good morning Woods. How are you this morning?" Matt questioned.
"Fine thankyou. You?"
"I'm good thanks. I will let Tanner show you where your office is and he can explain what you will be doing."
Woods nodded and looked at me. "Come on then let's get you settled in." I said and lead him into our office. I turned on his computer and showed him what he was doing. I knew he was not good at all but we both had to work. I wish I could just make all his problems disappear. It's not fair having such an amazing guy be so upset all the time. It breaks my heart.

He stared emptily at the computer screen as he clicked away. I could see the distance in his eyes. He wasn't really there it seemed. Like his soul had escaped and left this gaping hole that can't seem to be filled. I thought his friend Scott would have been more bothered by it but I guess not.

"Hey Woods. Do you wanna go and get a coffee?" I asked hoping I could cheer him up a little. He continued clicking. "Woods?" His head snapped towards me his focus now on me. "Do you want to go and get coffee?" I asked again. He hesitated but nodded after the short pause.

We grabbed our coats for the back of our chairs and headed out. "Hey Paul, we are going for coffee. Do you want anything?"
Paul smiled. "Just a plain white coffee please."
"Okay see you soon."

We headed out. Once we were in the car, I tried to talk to Woods. "Hey. How you feeling?"
He looked down at his feet. "Fine thanks you?" I glanced over at him noticing he had his hands hidden under his sleeves again. He was clearly not fine. "Woods please be honest with me. I really want to help you. How are you?"

"Look, I don't feel great okay. I just want to go back to sleep. Then no thoughts can reach me." He replied hastily. He obviously didn't want to talk about stuff.

"Look I don't want to to push you but-"
"Then don't Tanner." He spat.
"Please don't push me away. I'm trying to help."
"Well you're not. Just stop okay?!"

I stayed silent. I was shocked he was being like this. He was being rude to me. It may be protection of himself but it's not going to help him. I just wish he would talk to me.

_____________

Woods' POV

I know Tanner cares. I just can't deal with all of this. He is pushing me to talk to him but I'm so scared of opening up to anybody. I don't want to hurt them and I'm scared they will hate me more. I know I'm pushing him away and I'm being horrible. I'm just terrified of it all. I just want to be in bed asleep and so I can't think.

When we got back to the office, Tanner took Paul's coffee to him and I headed straight to our office. I slammed my cup onto the desk and threw my coat over my chair and got on with my work. I did like doing work because it kept my mind off stuff for a while. But I knew it wouldn't last long. I knew that I would eventually be unable to contain it all and I would just turn into a complete wreck.

Tanner walked back after a few minutes and sat down at his desk. "I know I can be pushy and I don't mean to be I just want to make sure you are safe and happy."
"Well you can't have either of those. I could be hit by a bus in a few hours or somebody could stab me whilst walking down the street. You never know what might happen and given my current mental state the second part of what you said doesn't seem to be possible either."

I didn't mean to be nasty to him and I hated it, but I just wanted him to stop talking about it for a little while. It was annoying I suppose, hearing about my problems all the time and each time I spoke I would just make myself think about everything even more than normal. Things that hadn't bothered me in years would now come back to haunt me.

"Look Woods. You are right about the fact you could be hit by a bus tomorrow, so if you were, would you be happy at what you were like right now? Or would you want to change it. Would you want to try and achieve happiness instead of pushing that away like it's a vicious disease? Because I know that if I died tomorrow I would be quite happy with where I was at but I know I would want you to be happy."

I sat in silence for a little while trying to take in what Tanner had said. I know that I wouldn't be happy with where I was at now if I died tomorrow but I would be grateful it could be put to an end.

"Woods?"
"Yeah?"
"Please, just listen to me. I love you and I don't care what others think. You are an incredible guy and you're heart is pure gold. These thoughts you have don't define who you are. They are a small part of a larger picture. You are struggling, that doesn't make you a bad person. That doesn't make you weak. The fact you are still alive makes you strong. And if anything happened to you, I know that you tried. But I dont want anything to happen to you and I'm going to try my absolute hardest to ensure you are safe. We can get through it together." Tanner pleaded.

I felt tears fill my eyes and my face warm under the burning pressure. "I love you too. I'm sorry I keep pushing you away. It's just I am so scared of hurting you that I would rather be alone."

"Woods, don't be sorry. You mean so much to me and I flat out refuse to let those thoughts destroy you. We can get you help. Professional help. Then you know that you aren't hurting them. You are detached from them and they also have a therapist to talk to behind the scenes. You can't have effective therapy if your therapist feels bad too. The negative energy will just bounce back at you and not help at all."

I nodded nervously. I panicked about what I would say to them. I haven't seen a therapist before and I never thought about it. I know I need help but I never thought any further about what I actually need to do. I began to panic even more and felt my breathing shift. Tanner was by my side immediately and I seemed to calm quickly. His mere presence was enough to calm me. I began to realise that he did actually care and wasn't like Scott. Scott was all about the business and didn't care about actual people.

"Thanks Tanner. I'm going to get help. I'm going to get better. And I'm going to get through this. I'm going to have a great life." Did I really believe this though? Or was it just random meaningless words flowing out of my mouth under the pressure I felt.

"That's already progress. You don't have to mean those words right now but if you say that again every day you will believe it more. I believe in you Woody boy" he giggled a little. I smiled and placed my head onto his shoulder and he pulled my body closer to him and wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"You can do this..."