sonder

serendipity

Chapter Four

Serendipity

(n.) finding something good without looking for it

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The feeling of adrenaline that surges through your body after scoring a goal used to be something that I chased after, something that I craved. I turned into quite the addict during my last two semesters at my old high school.

Anything and everything that I gave me a temporary escape from reality became my favourite thing. In the moments in between, when the darkness completely consumed me, I tried to get myself to feel something. The stinging pain and rolling tears only made the darkness worse, as if my pain was able to feed it and make it stronger.

I still remember what it felt like to be happy though, or at least what I think happiness is. It was the feeling when I scored my very first goal whilst playing on the varsity soccer team during my freshman year. The sound of people cheering me on, my friends patting me on the back, and my coaches telling me that I made them proud; that was what happiness felt like, or at least, it used to.

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The small bookstore on Main Street became my daily adventure. Something about the corner of the room with mismatched tables and bookshelves that were nearly at the point of breaking from the amount of books kept me coming back. Also a pair of dazzling green eyes and a toothy grin were an added bonus.

Kali, Mr. Harvey, and I over the first week of my family moving to town started our own little routine. Mr. Harvey waving goodbye to us both as he went out, leaving Kali and I to discuss and debate other realities, forgotten characters, and some questionable authors.

It's amazing how words can bring people together, but also tear them apart.

Kali's voice lingered in my mind as I continued to walk up to my house, a place that I lived in but definitely was not home to me. I felt eyes on me as soon as I pulled the key out of the door and began to shut it closed behind me.

"Where do you keep going everyday?" My mom's voice breaks through the air just as the door clicks shut behind me.

"No where." I state, not wanting to sacrifice the one place that made me feel like I was actually normal again.

She sighed in response to my answer, something that I was all too familiar with. "Damian, you really have to stop bottling things up and vanishing into yourself. I'm not going to let you slip through my fingers again."

Her voice is completely deflated as she speaks, something that, again, I was familiar with. "I'm okay, mom. I'm also a teenager though, besides, I am set to talk to my therapist tomorrow so please stop worrying." I tell her, hating that I've caused her go through everything that she has. I tug at my sleeves, holding them in place by curling the fabric into my palm, as the thought of my presence being a burden on everyone ran through my mind. The thought went to the back of my mind just as quickly as it had stomped in, making me feel a little more out of control over my own life.

"Damian..." She pleads, her eyes holding back their true emotions.

"Stop worrying, mom." I huff, trying to make the least amount of noise possible as I leave the room to barricade myself into my lonely hole of a room.

Throwing myself across my bed, my mind drifts back to the past week and then I realize, no matter what, I still couldn't feel happiness.

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