sonder

acatalepsy

Chapter Thirty Seven

Acatalepsy

(n.) the impossibility of comprehending the universe

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    The night before classes started back up again, Lucy invited Aspen and I over for a bit. My conversation with my mom had been drifting through my mind for the past few days and she was definitely right, I needed to start being a kid again. And with her words at the forefront of my thoughts, I decided that it was about time I opened up to my friends.

    Waiting for the right moment though seemed to be my biggest problem. With each passing minute, my heartbeat picked up in speed and my mouth dried as I tried to come up with the words to start.

    As I was caught up in my own head, Lucy's voice interrupted me by calling out my name. "Kali, you okay?" She asked. Aspen then turned her head to look at me too, nodding along with Lucy's question to show her interest in the answer as well.

    This was my moment... here goes everything.

    "I'm not okay, actually." I begin, to which I receive two very curious glances prompt me to continue. "There's a lot of things that I've been keeping from you guys and it's not because I don't trust you but it's because I've been trying to protect myself from everything.

    My parents got a divorce back in middle school, I think that's where a lot of my issues come from. You see, my dad cheated on my mom several times and with several people. I remember them fighting for the majority of the time that they were together but I never thought that my dad would just up and disappear one day... and that's what happened. From there, my mom struggled to pay bills and take care of my siblings so I stepped up and started working and part time parenting. And then full time parenting for the past couple years." 

    I take a deep breathe after all of that, only to feel both of my hands become clasped with Aspen's and Lucy's. Both of them don't say anything though and wait for me to go on. Tears started to develop in my eyes and I knew that my voice would definitely shake with more words but I went on.

    "I didn't want to change things and admit that it was all real though. When my dad left, it broke my mom and it left me broken too. I can't love people because I've seen how consuming and how horrible it is when everything goes wrong. And I feel like I've just gotten to the point where I'm so overwhelmed trying to be an adult that I've cut myself off of ever being a kid, you know?"

    In that moment, right before two pairs of arms enveloped me in a hug, my tears finally won and I cried about all of the things I'd missed out on. Softly, Lucy and Aspen whispered that everything was going to be okay and that my feelings were completely valid.

    Through the tears and the wild mumbling, I had to tell them about Damian and I. "Because all of this, I hurt Damian too. We started the whole friends with benefits thing and it was incredible. He's honestly one of the best people that I've ever met, but he admitted that he has feelings for me. And I can't do it. I literally can't feel for him that way, like I care about him but I can't wrap my head around ever liking him because I'm scared." At this point I was wailing, and I didn't care because it felt like such a relief to get this off my chest.

    "Sweetie," Lucy begins. "it's okay to not be able to love someone right now. Things like this take time and he's not everything. It sounds like you have some more problems that you need to confront rather than a boy."

    Aspen is quick to agree. "Yeah, Kali. I have to say that as much as Damian might mean to you, he can't be your first priority right now. It's not fair for either of you. And I'm so glad that you finally talked to us and let us in a little bit, you don't have to do these things on your own ever."

    Even more tears, pent up from years of crying, flooded down my face as we all continued to embrace. And for the first time in a while, I felt as though I might be the right track rather than aimlessly wandering around, waiting to be hit by the train.

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    By the time that summer officially came to an end, my backpack that graced the corner of my room was ready and packed to go with all of my memories from junior year. I guess I'd forgotten to unpack over the summer. The pictures that I'd had up in my locker were the things that I kept coming back too. There was one of Lucy, Aspen, and I from the first day of high school, I also had one of Austin, Courtney, and I with Mr. and Mrs. Harvey, and finally, there was a picture of my mom and I.

    That one stood to me the most... for once, I felt like I resembled her slightly. And all of the things that I used to hate and used to think look like my dad were actually more so the same with my mom's. I couldn't help but smile at that thought.

    With school starting in the morning, I felt empty thinking about Damian and what he was up too. I couldn't help it, he'd taken up so much of my life over the past few months that I was really starting to feel his absence. However, my friends were right about him, I couldn't involve him in my problems, not until I figured them out myself.

    The only issue with that though was he was a problem in itself. I didn't how to love him but I couldn't stop caring about him either. I also know that I hurt him badly and I don't know how I can repair that too.

    Figuring my own shit out first was definitely the best step to take. And I'm just going to have to apologize later to everyone that I've hurt along the way, once I know how to. But for right now, I have more on my plate than a boy... and that's how I have to look at things to try to forget him.

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