sonder

redamancy

Chapter Thirty Nine:

Redamancy

(n.) the act of loving in return

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    Dear Journal,

    Actively pursuing to get to know and love yourself takes a toll on a person. I'm starting to realize that for your entire life you are stuck with yourself; therefore, you have to take the time to understand who you are as a person. t's a lifelong journey, it has ups and downs, and everyone's learning at their own pace. 

    My mom, for example, is still trying to balance being a parent whilst remaining a youthful and rebellious teenager. She gets her heartbroken and rebuilds herself all over again, and with each new period of time in her life, she's becoming who she's meant to be.

    Then there's Austin, who at only thirteen is already testing every possible limit that he can. You can see the cheekiness of a teenager in his eyes already. I can tell that he's gonna break a few hearts someday and never realize the pain he's caused. He's also so intelligent and an incredible people person. Those types traits he'll never lose, he'll just grow into them.

    Courtney, at seven, is already a full grown adult. She knows what she wants and will do whatever it takes to get it. She's curious about life, she still has so much left to learn. I mean, I don't really know much better but watching her and Austin grow up has and always will be the highlight of my life.

    Our family is still trying to work out our kinks. We're learning to grow as individuals and as a family all at once.

    Mr. and Mrs. Harvey seem to know quite a lot about discovering and loving yourself. They complete each other but also are totally okay on their own. Just observing them makes me want to be a better person, let alone actually knowing them and hearing their words echo through my ears on a daily basis. I aspire to live as harmoniously as they do...

    Then, there's me in my little world. I wouldn't say that I play an important role in my daily life but then again, every character in a book, no matter little dialogue, no matter how small the part they play, they are actually vital to the telling of the story. 

    Accepting who I am has been journey. Daily, I've started writing and reading and taking time to focus solely on myself. Before I would've thought that it was selfish, I've since realized that I've needed the space. I've had to confront every little detail of myself and accept that it makes me who I am.

    And all the things that aren't apart of a plan happen and it's okay. Life will move on, another path will be paved, everything will be okay.

    Being able to say that out loud and believe it, is the best feeling possible. It's like in the last six months, since summer began, my life has taken a drastic turn for the better. I needed a life change, a wake up call to shout at me that I needed to stop and breath. Life isn't a rollercoaster, it's not race to see who gets through it the fastest....

    Every day is a brand new start and I needed to appreciate every second and embrace everything that life had to offer. Because before summer, before the fight with my parents, before everything... I wasn't living, I was slowly dying.

    And change felt really good-

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    "Kali, hurry up!" Austin shouts from down the hall, interrupting my thoughts mid-sentence. I closed my journal up with a happy sigh, my words sometimes didn't make sense but getting them out on the page was exactly what I needed.

    Today is Austin's first official soccer game on the town's U-14 team. Mom was making it a priority that we all be in attendance, which I was so grateful for as I know how much Austin has been looking forward to this moment. Lucy and Aspen were planning to meet us at the field to help cheer Austin on, even Mr. and Mrs. Harvey would be attendance too.

    Butterflies of nerves swirl through my body as we all pile into the car. Today was a new start for me, a fresh start. Specifically with one person: Damian. It had been nearly three months since we'd talked. School started and it was as if we were strangers who simply passed each other in the halls occasionally. We had a few classes together but he ignored me like the plague, which I don't blame him.

    I used him for my selfish wants and then dragged him through my existential crisis. I'll be surprised if he ever talks to me again, but today was going to be my shot. I knew that he was the junior soccer coach, it's practically all that Austin talked about when he'd get home from practice. I also knew that he watched me from afar just as I did him... so I knew, that somewhere deep down, he still wasn't done with me. So, I hoped that would allow my apology to go over better.

    Then we could have fresh start, a healthy start. I also couldn't help but want to go back to the summer, to realize before that my heart raced for Damian because it was more than a simple attraction. I wanted to go back to telling each other secrets and talking all the time. I wished every day that he'd come back into the bookstore and sit at his table to read another book that he'd tell me animatedly about. I missed his banter with Mr. Harvey and our late night drives; mostly, I just missed everything about him.

    Lucy and Aspen explained to me that everything that I'm feeling is just proof that I'm not cold hearted and impossible to love. They are actually certain that I like Damian as more than a friend... what I haven't told them is that I think I could actually love him.

    I'm just trying to figure out how I can.

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