sonder

minutiae

Chapter Twelve

Minutiae

(n.) the small, precise details that make one unique.

~ ~ ~

My footsteps gave away my presence back at my house. I'd been thinking about Kali's dimpled smile as she stepped away from our kiss all the way home. I couldn't help it, the way she smiled at me with her slightly swollen mouth and her perfectly imperfect teeth were a sight that I was holding on to, she happened to be taking up a lot of space in my mind.

"Damian, can we talk to you?" I hear my dad call from the kitchen. An instantaneous brick is implanted in my stomach. I've always hated confrontation, especially when nowadays every single time my parents have wanted to 'talk' it has been about my mental health. I didn't like talking about it though.

Sluggishly, I waddle into the kitchen where both of my parents are sitting at our breakfast nook. Our last house hadn't had one, truthfully I didn't really understand the appeal, but since moving, it seemed to be the only thing that we used. Our old, battered kitchen table left to be forgotten along with the memories attached to it, much like our old lives. It was almost a perfect metaphor for our lives.

Tightlipped smiles were the overwhelming sight to meet my eyes as I took a seat across from them. The sinking feeling only growing more and more.

I start to feel the panic attack coming on, the spiralling of thoughts taking over. Did my parents know that my medication didn't allow me to sleep? Did they know that I stopped taking my sleeping pills made me feel groggy so I stopped taking them? Had they noticed my clenching fist whenever I was feeling uncomfortable? Were they concerned about how late I was out last night? Will their faces show their disappoint in me?

"How was your day?" My mom asks, cutting off my thoughts and bringing me back to present time, to my parents, to the home that wasn't home, to the breakfast nook, to the smiling faces of my family hung up on the wall.

Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. In. Out.

"Good." I said, gulping down the anxiety as I focused in on my breathing. If I focused on only the one thing keeping me alive, I could let the thoughts go... sometimes.

My day flashed before my eyes, memories of Kali and the bookstore and her cute little smile she left me with. My breathing slowly eased into the steady beat of my heart. I was alive, I was okay, I was going to be okay.

She looked over at my dad, her concern flashing briefly before turning back to me with a smile, this one void of any worries.

"We found something that you might like." My dad interjects, joining in on the conversation. My eyebrows raise in surprise, taken aback and curious as to where this was heading.

"The U-14 soccer league is looking for some junior coaches." My mom declares. "We thought, that maybe, you know, you would be interested, maybe." She says, obviously a little unsure about it.

The sinking feeling wraps its arms around my gut once again. Everything about that sounded like the old me, the one before the thoughts took over, before the pills, before the move, before everything.

I couldn't just pretend that I could go back.

Several printed out website pages were then passed to my side of the table. The sound of my parents' voices turning into static as I silently drowned before them. Everything about soccer brought up the feeling of failure.

I was never good enough, I will never be good enough.

I nodded and smiled as I stood up from the table. I thanked my parents for thinking of me and told them that I would look into the position.

I will never be good enough.

I took the steps up to my bedroom as silently as possible, wishing that I could absorb into thin air. Wishing that my presence wouldn't be such a burden on everyone.

I will never be good enough.

I sighed as I sat in front of the pages from the soccer league's website.

I can't rewind time.

~ ~ ~

It was well after dark when my phone buzzed from next to me. Music from my headphones nearly blocking out the noise entirely; however, the sudden light caught my attention.

Kali's name flashed on the screen, my heart skipping a beat as I took in her words. Within minutes, I was out of my house and walking her direction. She was taking me up on our arrangement and I was happy to have the distraction after everything that happened earlier.

I was barely near her house when her voice hissed at me from the shadows. I hadn't even seen that she was leaning up against the car in her driveway, her arms waved me over as she silently got inside.

I followed her lead, both of us remaining silent until we were three blocks away from her house. We were headed in a direction that I wasn't entirely familiar with but just being near Kali had the ability to calm me down.

"We should make some rules if we are going to do this. I was thinking about it and it's not going to work if we don't set up some sort of boundaries." She cut through the silence with her statement, being very direct and honest. I could tell from the urgency in her voice that something was wrong but I don't ask her about it, something tells me that she doesn't want me to know.

I nod even though her eyes aren't on me anymore, she looked back at the road after she glanced at me briefly. "I'm good with that." I agreed. I noticed a breathe of relief escape her mouth as I watched her, for once not afraid of staring too much.

I tried to remember everything about her, I couldn't help myself. I wanted, desperately, to know everything about her. She was so different than any other girl I'd met my age, more mature, more opinionated, more reserved but at the same time, so confident. I envied her for being unapologetically herself and for taking what she wanted.

She pulled the car into a quiet parking lot, pulling into a spot just out of reach of the streetlight. The dim glow of yellow reflected off of the car and onto her features, even in the poor light, her eyes still were able to glow.

"No feelings, that's the only rule that I can think of right now. No feelings." She repeated, as if trying to drill it into my head. I instantly agreed, I didn't need anymore feelings, I already felt too many.

One popped into my head then. "No talking about the past." I said, knowing that this arrangement would be best without being conflicted with my history. I liked having someone who didn't know me before everything happened and I wanted to keep it that way.

"Okay." She said, before being briefly opening her mouth only to shut it once more.

"What were you going to say?" I ask.

She shakes her head, her hair that was tired into a bun at the back of her neck shaking from side to side with the motion. "Nothing." I take notice of the way her eyebrows crinkle with frustration as she thinks over what she was going to say.

"This isn't going to work if we can't be honest with each other." I state, matter-of-factly.

She sighs, knowing that I'm right about that. "We can still be friends, right?" Kali's voice sounds vulnerable as she says it, completely sounding unsure of everything between us.

"You're my only friend here, I was hoping I don't have to on give that up." I tell her reassuringly, definitely flirting with her as I know that soon there won't be much talking going on.

"Alright." She said. "Friends, no feelings, no history, just now." Her body is now completely turned to me, slow lying inching closer to me.

"Just now." I whisper, my voice getting deeper as I puller her face to mine, our lips colliding in an explosion of tension.

~*~*~*~*