sonder

pistanthrophobia

Chapter Thirteen

Pistanthrophobia

a fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad.

~ ~ ~

The moment I got home from work after leaving Damian at the end of my street, reality hit me in the face. No longer could I be the teenager who kisses boys in the middle of town instead, I was Austin and Courtney's older sister who needed to start dinner before my mom came home from work, exhausted.

Courtney questioned me about Damian as soon as she came and sat at the kitchen table as I prepared dinner. "Is Damian coming over again?" She asked me, her voice sounding hopeful.

I noticed from the corner of my eye that Austin had glanced over at me from the living room, waiting to hear my response as well; however, I couldn't really give them the answer that they were anxiously wanting to hear. "We'll see." is all I give them, neither positive nor negative.

"I really like him." Courtney tells me, her eyes wandering down to the picture she's drawn in front of her. Austin has turned his attention back to the television, his shoulders slagging a little more, deflated from not being given the answer that I knew he wanted to hear, maybe more so than Courtney.

"Yeah." I say, agreeing with my little sister completely. I liked Damian too, not romantically but I liked having him around last night. It was nice to see my siblings smiling for once, to see them enjoying themselves at the change in our routine. I felt bad knowing that I couldn't give them everything that they wanted but having Damian around seemed to make our home feel alive again and I knew that they could sense that too.

The jiggling of keys brought my attention to my mom as she walked into the kitchen, a smile on her face that actually met her eyes. My body immediately tensed, something was wrong and I didn't want to know why.

"Hey you guys!" She excitedly exclaims, my sister running up to hug our mom. Austin mutters a disinterested greeting and I give her my best fake smile, silently asking her what's up.

"Mom! Come colour with me." Courtney demands more so than asks. My mom's laughter fills up the room, always making life seem incredibly easy with one flitting sound.

"Let me go change and I'll be right back. It smells great in here, Kali." My mom's eyes meet mine with her last comment, not giving me any details about what's caused her to act differently.

I sigh, stirring the pot in front of me. I knew that I should be happy that something has made my mom feel good about herself; however, I had a sinking feeling in my gut that this happiness wasn't something permanent.

Over the years since my father had took off with his mistress, I had seen my mom's moods swing from utter happiness to miserable, depressing months. Usually it had something to do with a guy, it always had something to do with a guy although, she would never admit it.

I had become an expert at reading my mom though, she wore her heart on her sleeve and she could never hide anything. Typically, during happier periods of time, I'd catch her in the driveway getting out of a car or she'd go out on her days off and be out later into the evening. Love and my mom never truly worked out though, the guys she dated disappeared within a few weeks, leaving me to pick up the pieces of her heart.

She would cry into my shoulder, never telling me the full story but would say things about how horrible people were, how cruel love was, and how she wasn't going to fall for it this time. I really hoped that this time her happiness wasn't about a guy, we were doing good and we didn't need any more complications, only something easy.