sonder

querencia

Chapter Thirty Five

Querencia

(n.) a place from which one's strength is drawn, where one feels at home; the place where you are your most authentic self.

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"What are you doing here, Kali?" My mother prompts as soon as I've walked into the building. She's leaning against the registration desk, a set of papers in her hand that I assume are for a patient that she'll be seeing soon. I'm taken aback by how different she looks now, in the place where, I think, she's always felt more comfortable. I remember a time when I used to want to be exactly like her.

"I need to talk to you." I express as soon as I'm within hearing distance of her. Her brown eyes sweep across the room, checking to see if anyone can listen in to us.

"Now's not really the time, Kali." She explains, her pitch toned down so that only I can hear her every word.

I'm shaking my head before she can finish. "No, now is the perfect time because we need to fix things before it becomes too late and I don't want that to happen." I tell her, something in my desperation convinces her and soon, I'm following her to an empty hospital room.

The white walls and fluorescent lights burn as I take in the scenery. I find peace with the neutrality of it though, it feels as though we're on even ground for once.

When my mom turns to face me, nerves flutter through my stomach. I then picture Mr. Harvey's encouraging face and the tension in my body flows away.

"I want to talk about everything that's been happening the past few years. And I want you to understand where I'm coming from because sometimes it feels like there's a huge disconnect between the two of us, so can you listen to me with open ears, please?" I ask to begin, a newfound confidence striking up in my voice.

My mom contemplates my words for a few seconds, several emotions crossing her face before she settles the battle in her head with an okay.

I take a deep breath as I open my mouth to talk again. "Well, firstly I want to apologize for what happened the other day. I have this built up rage inside of me that has been bottled up since the morning that dad walked out the door and I took all of that out of you both without actually telling you why I felt the way I did.

However, the reason that I've never felt comfortable talking is because I'm afraid that my feelings aren't valid. That I have to always be this rock for Austin and Courtney and even for you, mom. But the truth is, I feel like I've grown up at lightening speed and that I've missed out on being a kid because I felt responsible for dad leaving. And it hurts knowing that he's back again because he never cared enough to stay and I don't want him destroying the good that we have right now as a family." I say, my mom opening her mouth to speak but I interrupt so that I can get everything out, and then we can talk.

"This summer though, I met a really nice guy who didn't care about the job I have or the responsibilities that I have at home. Instead, he showed me that I can still live life without being on autopilot." A wave of sadness lulls over me as I think about Damian. "But, mom, I still kept him at an arm's distance because I can't trust that people will stick around forever. It's something that has burdened me ever since dad left. That's why you haven't seen my friends come over to the house because to them, I don't pay bills or look after Austin and Courtney. They don't even know that dad abandoned us.

I'm kind of sick of keeping everything to myself though. I need help and I need you to be there for me because I want to be a kid again." With those final words, I finally make eye contact with my mom to see tears watering her vision.

"Kali..." She murmurs. "Kali, I never realized this is how you felt." My mom whispers, shaking her head as she mulls things over in her head.

"Mom, it's cause I've never said anything. You aren't a mind reader." I tell her, hoping to make light of the situation. I hated seeing her this way but it felt like such a relief to get this off my chest.

"Thank you for letting me in." She pauses for a brief second before continuing. "I want you to know that I won't let anything bad happen to us. And I want you to be a kid for awhile and for you to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, okay?" She asks.

"Okay." I nod along, waiting her to say some more.

"I promise that everything will be okay." My mom determines. "And whoever this guy is, I want you to let him in because you sound like you could use him in your life." She then laughs, seeming to know more than I do about Damian.

I shake my head at even the thought of repairing what I did to Damian. "I don't think he'll ever speak to me again. I don't know if I'm even ready for that." I acknowledge, saddened by the fact that I might have lost a friend for good.

"Just think about it. This is your last year of school, I've never seen you smile so much except for this summer and if he had something to do with that then, I think you can't just let him go so easy." With that, my mom's arms wrap around me.

A smile forms on my face as I tighten my grip on her. This felt like a new start, a fresh page for a whole new chapter and I liked the feeling.

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