sonder

philophobia

Chapter Thirty One

Philophobia

(n.) fear of falling in love.

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    The words shot me in the heart with their power. A floodgate of pent up anxieties and past events washing over my entire body, making me go rigid with fear. I could feel my voice clumping in my throat until I couldn't physically speak, let alone comprehend words to string together a sentence.

    Everything from my past and my present rammed together in this one moment, all because of the catalyst that is Damian's words. I don't even remember getting up from my position of facing Damian, but now I am faced with his floor and my body is curling in on itself as I become desperate for air.

    The need to be moving hits me suddenly, my feet slapping against his floor as I pace around. I feel the heat of Damian's brown eyes watching me, a helpless expression on his face whilst I mutter 'no' over and over again underneath my breath.

    "Kali, stop for a second." Damian says as he grabs ahold of my forearms to stable me. His touch burns in a different way than it did minutes ago, our world flipped upside down because of this.

    "No, Damian." I huff, raising my voice slightly as I pull from his grasp.

    Confusion smacks him across the face with my reaction, a small twitch causing his lip to protrude slightly. I feel bad for a second until my brain takes entire control of my body, rationalizing every single thought that comes into my head.

    Doubt fills in my stomach until it feels like I might throw up. That was the same feeling I got every time I thought about why I couldn't love another person. It happened in the ninth grade after my date to homecoming admitted that he liked me. It happened again with my first boyfriend, and then two others who tried to have me fall for them.

    I'm brought back to the screaming fights of my parents, my younger self crying herself to sleep with the prayer that they'd stop. My breathing ignites into panicking as I recall the last fight my parents had before my father abandoned us. His footsteps echoing down the hallway echoes in my mind, nearly bringing me to tears.

    My eyes then focus on Damian, the mysterious, brown haired boy that I'd spent nearly my entire summer with. I remember the way his touch made me squirm and how I waited for the doorbell to ring every morning to announce his presence at the bookstore. Before I continue though, it's as if I mentally run full force into a wall that stops me from feeling at all.

    The walls of this close around me, suffocating me from the light and sheltering me from what would ultimately lead to my demise. And then, with one gulp, I look into Damian's eyes as if I've never seen them before and I crush both of our hearts with the overruling power of my rationalism.

    "I can never love you, Damian." 

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