sonder

meliorism

Chapter Forty One:

Meliorism

(n.) the belief that the world gets better; the belief that humans can improve the world.

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    Green meets green. Red flashes everywhere. I am no longer part of this world, this field, this soccer game. Instead, I'm seven again sitting at the dining room table watching my father make paper airplanes out of my homework.

    "Dad!" I screamed out whilst laughing as I watched the bright green paper float and whirl around our kitchen. 

    "Homework in the second grade is ridiculous!" He exclaimed, laughing right along with me. At seven, I wanted to be exactly like my dad. Careless... filled with laughter... happy.

    When I was five, I remember him teaching me how to ride a bike. His words of encouragement ringing through the breeze as I struggled to find my centre of gravity on the two-wheeled mechanism.

    Right now whilst I'm eighteen, he stands before me and I loathe ever wishing to be like him. He looks exactly the same as he did a few months ago, the same pretentious and unreliable man I remember; however, this time, he's not looking at me at all. He's watching my mother as she gets out of her lawn chair to greet him with a kiss. He watches her sashay her way back down, her hand falling into my little sister's with ease.

    I'm frozen in time, feeling lost and heartbroken and helpless all over again. I'm overwhelmed by my dad's presence. The nerve he has to show up to Austin's first soccer game, as if he's been cheering him on his entire life, as if he's driven him to practice and tryouts and previous games, as if he's actually fulfilled his role as 'dad.'

    I hadn't even noticed that Mr. and Mrs. Harvey had joined our group because I had been so distracted by glaring daggers at the side of my father's head. The thing that pulled me out of it all though was the tingles I felt shooting up my forearm with someone's warm touch.

    "Want to go for a walk for a second?" Damian asked, his voice bringing back a million memories of a lifetime ago.

    The rage inside of me died and was soon replaced with an instant calm. Here was my chance, and as horrible of timing as it was, I needed the distraction. I took a look around at my family, watching as everything continued on as usual, before I nodded my head to Damian.

    "The game doesn't start for another hour so." Is all he says, shrugging his shoulders as we weave our way towards the parking lot, dodging out of the way of other players' families.

    It's quiet while we walk for a long time, both of aimlessly walking except we aren't. Soon enough, we're exactly where we should be... by the river. I don't why but being here made sense, maybe it was the calming water or maybe it was because it was neutral ground for us. We hadn't yet tainted it with our complications.

    "I'm sorry." Are the first words out of my mouth when we sit down on one of the numerous benches.

    Damian remains quiet for several minutes, making my heart beat with anxiety and my head swirl with everything I should've said instead.

    Just as he starts to open his mouth, I begin rambling. "I'm sorry that I'm damaged. I'm sorry that I don't know how to be honest and open. I'm sorry that feelings are hard for me to deal with. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that it took me this long to figure everything out. I'm sorry for using you. I'm sorry that I fell for you a minute too late." My breathing is heavy when I finally get everything out.

    I wasn't expecting to be this nervous but a weight feels like its been lifted after I've spoken. No matter the outcome of this conversation, I needed to apologize... now, I just had to wait to see what would happen.

    And looking up at Damian's face, I couldn't decipher any of the emotions flitting across it. Honestly, it kinda looked like he was reloading... trying to take in so much information that it wasn't processing quickly.

    "What did you say again? Sorry." He asked. I begun to repeat the beginning of my rant but was interrupted by him. "The last part, a minute too late?" He questioned.

    I felt the blush forming on my cheek instantly. "I, I'm sorry that I, um, fell for you a minute too late?" I pose as a question, unsure of how Damian will react now that I've had to slow down the sentence.

    He ponders for a long minute, it felt like an eternity at this point as my heart and mind raced to sporadically different times.

    "Kali, I..." He begins.

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