sonder

abditory

Chapter Two

Abditory

(n.) a place into which you can disappear; a hiding place

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My parents thought that moving away, escaping from our past, would allow for us to start anew. A blank page, a new chapter they claimed it would be, when in reality, they were trying to start a new book altogether.

It took all of two weeks for everything to be packed in boxes and shipped across the country. The town we arrived in was small but there was an overwhelming sense of peacefulness that was cast over the place. People waved and smiled as you walked by, neighbours brought various baked goods over after noticing the moving crates outside, and by the time all of reminisce of our old lives were set up in an unfamiliar home, I realized just how lonely the town actually was.

I had a way of being able to decipher the negative of a situation well before I was able to identify something optimistic, at least that's what my therapist reminds me of every single session. She was a small, well-rounded individual who seemed to have her life together. Her office was plastered with pictures of her family, whom I'm certain she'd rather spend her time with rather than a depressed seventeen year old who appeared to have everything he could ever want.

She smiled and listened attentively, asking questions about me every Wednesday afternoon, constantly trying to have me engage about where my head was at. I knew that she was paid to do so, but she had a way of refraining from passing judgement too quickly, something that I have grown accustomed not to having the luxury of.

I started seeing her regularly after my mom found me experiencing convulsions on the bathroom floor. I can't even remember what the exact reasoning for pushing me to take the pills, but I remember the silence of the hospital room and I can't help but wish that my brain would be silent once again.

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"How'd you sleep?" My mom questions as I walk into the dining room where my dad, little brother, Jeremiah, and my mom sit like the perfect family we always seemed to be. My absence at the table did not seem to be missed is the first thought to run through my mind; however, I feel the thought being dimmed down, something that I can't focus on as much as I would have before.

"Okay." I muster out, not wanting her to know my real answer which is that I can't sleep with the medication I'm on. I get maybe a few hours before I'm awake, spending hours simply lying awake watching the stars, waiting for anything.

"That's good. We were thinking..." I cut her off before she begins talking about my health. I hate having to talk about it more than I have to.

"I'm going to head out and see what's in town." I say, pulling the sleeves of my shirt down further on my arms, hiding the healed white lines that crawl on my skin. I hated people being able to witness the brokenness that is my life.

"Why don't you take Jeremiah with you?" My dad suggests, his voice sounding dull and lifeless. He never used to sound that way, he always laughed a lot when I was younger but I guess that's just something else I can add to the list of things that I've screwed up.

"I'm gonna go alone today, sorry Jere." I tell him, noticing that he doesn't look too disappointed as I begin to head to the door.

"Damian, please." My mom helplessly calls after me.

"I'll see you when I get home." Is all that comes out of my mouth as I slip on my converse, grabbing my leather jacket as well, and begin to walk aimlessly to Main Street.

The pavements of the roads wind their way into cobblestone as I hit the downtown area. Little shops line the street with signs destined to be photographed and posted online. This area of town made me believe that this is what the people who lived here hoped and dreamed of.

I took note of a small coffee shop, a gift shop filled with small knickknacks, and then my eyes fell upon an older man leaving a small used bookstore. He tipped his hat at me as we crossed paths, his eyes containing a liveliness to them that I had never seen on someone before.

I followed the path until my feet are face to face with the older looking door, the bell ringing above my head as I enter.

My eyes are immediately met with sight of bookshelf upon bookshelf. Small areas with tables and chairs scatter the room, reminding me of a library rather than a bookstore. And then I notice a slender, curly haired girl holding numerous books in the corner of the room. She's pretty, in a strikingly gorgeous way yet completely unaware.

"Good morning!" She calls out, her sparkling green eyes standing out against her tanned skin tone. I instantly take notice of her bohemian style, almost as if she just walked straight out of California. She seemed out of place in the small town but she made it work as if everyone else just needed to catch up with her style.

"Morning." I say, uncomfortably shifting to readjust my sleeves down, dropping eye contact as I do so.

"Let me know if you need help with anything!" She says, going back to her pile of books that she gingerly admires each one as she places them back on the shelf in front of her.

I take one last glance at her before making my way through the store, finding a small table at the back along with a book that peaked my interest. I was completely content with myself and slowly the day escaped me.

The bell rung as time continued, the girl greeting all of them with the same amount of excitement, her movements effortlessly fast but purposeful almost as if she was dancing through life rather than walking. She caught my every now and then as I lifted my head from my novel seated in front of me. The words on the page were completely engrossing; however, she seemed like another story that I was interested in.

"Looks like you did good holding down the fort, Kali." The older man from earlier said as the bell ringing drew me from my texts. Kali... that's a beautiful name, I couldn't help but think.

The second thought that ran through my mind was that I would never be good enough for someone like her. I was too broken for someone who danced through life.

"You always doubt me, Mr. Harvey, don't you?" She laughs, her voice only causing me to become more intrigued with her.

"Never." He joked back, a big, bellyful laugh escaping him. I looked back down at my book as I zoned out of their easy banter, I then checked the time on my phone and noticed that I should probably be headed out. The hours had ticked by and I knew that my mom would start to fuss if I wasn't home soon.

I gathered my things, pulled my sleeves down again even though they had barely moved from moments ago, and then as silently as I could, I took the steps towards the door. With every move of my body, I winced at the sound of my noise. I hated drawing attention to myself, especially now when everything seemed so quiet and undisturbed.

"Thank you." I called out to Kali and Mr. Harvey who both were hovering at the counter in the centre of the store, their eyes burning into my skin.

"Have a good day!" Mr. Harvey spoke out, his booming voice sounding as jolly as ever. He definitely reminded me of my grandpa, always happy, smiling, and just in love with life. I envied them both for that.

The bell rung just above my head as I exited the tiny bookstore with the blue door on the photographable Main Street. A small smile graced my lips, a novelty in my world, and I knew that I would be back tomorrow.

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