sonder

torpe

Chapter Thirty

Torpe

(n.) a man who is desperately in love with a woman, but cannot admit his feelings or approach her.

~ ~ ~

    Kali pulled away from me with a look that I couldn't decipher on her face, something about her was contorted differently but I couldn't place my finger on what it was, I could just feel it. The orange haze cascading from the stovetop highlights Kali's natural features. An eyelash had fallen down her cheek, my fingertips brushing across her cheek as we still stand seconds away from each other.

    Her vision casts down to my hands that rest on her waist, an inner conflict being worked out in her mind. Outside I can hear the wind blowing through the trees, their whispers seeming to want to know every detail of what was going on in the kitchen.

    "If I'd known that you were going to do that, I would've spilled my guts a lot sooner." I finally say, breaking the silence with a grin that I couldn't stop from forming on my face. My crush on Kali felt as if maybe, just maybe, the feelings were reciprocated.

    Taking in her expression though, a mixture of sadness and confusion flourished there. Kali slowly backed away from my hands, the tingles sparking between us dying out with the lack of contact. Her eyes moved from side to side, taking in my hands that were left hanging mid air where her waist used to be in between.

    Suddenly a smile reached over her face, completely the opposite of the expression she was wearing a minute ago. "I had a moment of weakness." She teases, returning to the Kali that I'm used to seeing at the bookstore.

    "How dare you take advantage of me in my state of vulnerability." I huff back, completely forgetting about Kali's weird change of behaviour. I was far too deep in my feelings to even notice the complete change of pace.

    "I'd say you took advantage of my state of vulnerability as I was the one in pain." Kali throws back, our banter naturally falling into place.

    I snort at that comment. "You know what, I say we call it a mutual moment of vulnerability." I declare.

    "Fine." She says, picking up her glass of water that I don't remember her ever putting down. Her eyes look back to me as I follow her closely back to the living room where our mess of blankets and pillows are strewn haphazardly around. The soft hum of the television continues to play in the background as we once again get settled, farther away from each other than what I previously remember being.

    My eyes flutter closed to the sight of Kali's distant looking gaze but I'm lost in unconsciousness before I can overthink it.

~ ~ ~

    The walk home from Kali's house is filled with the stories of Jeremiah's wondrous ocean blue eyes animatedly telling me about how cool Austin's things are. I listen with great intensity, not really thinking too much about my own night until we are back at home and I am left in my quiet. spacious yet half glass empty room.

    I admitted to Kali some of my history without even a question of a doubt but now, it seemed like she became more guarded after it all happened. A fact that I'd obviously ignored sometime earlier this morning when Kali and I had our little talk in the kitchen.

    She thinks you're crazy.

    The thought plays on repeat in my head, a spiralling tunnel forming in the inner workings of my mind. My body sinks against the corner of my bed, my back pushing against the wall with all of my force as I desperately try to escape myself. The air feels suffocating as my vision skews from teary eyes.