sonder

vellichor

Chapter One

Vellichor

(n.) the strange wistfulness of used bookshops

~ ~ ~

I often remember the sound of shouting rising like smoke as I laid awake in bed, waiting for the stars to finally stop hiding from the noise. The echoing of my two favourite people spewing hateful words at each other until someone would leave the house and the other would cry themselves to sleep is often a constant reminder to myself of why we were better off alone.

I mean, sure, I wish my family was normal and picture perfect; however, I knew that what was promised in TV commercials and advertisements were all just lies. I knew that love made people hurt each other and that love was simply false hope, a distraction from reality.

That distraction was the absolute last thing that I needed in the world. I barely had time to take care of myself ever since my father walked out on my family when I was just eleven years old. My mom had just given birth to my younger sister, Courtney, and my brother, Austin, was only seven at the time. I learned pretty quickly afterwards that life happens whether you're ready for it or not. My mom and I dedicated our lives to making my siblings' childhoods the best possible and every single day, I remind myself that things are better off this way, less complicated this way.

My parents were never meant to be together and with my dad out of the picture, it made life more difficult but also a little more quiet... in a good way though.

~ ~ ~

The blaring sound of my alarm woke me up, followed quickly by the sound of hurried steps from outside of my room meaning that my mom was just about to leave for work. Looking around my room, I took notice of my school bag, a constant reminder of still having to complete my senior year this fall, along with my haphazard pile of books in the corner of my room, and finally, the world map that I had hung up on the wall across from my bed. I remember when I first hung the poster I thought that I'd get to travel across the entire globe, that seemed like a distant dream now, possibly a different life time entirely. I guess that's why the piles of books started to stack up, it was a slightly cheaper form of escapism.

My feet hit the cool floor, immediately making me wish that I could return to the warmth of my blankets. I met my mom downstairs and observed as she expertly drank coffee hurriedly whilst flipping through mail, she always had an incredible way of multitasking but still seemingly in complete control of everything.

"Morning Kali." She says, not having to look up to know it was me coming to start the day. "How'd you sleep?" She continues, her movements becoming more frantic as her internal clock starts to realize that it's almost time for her to leave for her shift at the hospital.

I take notice of her rigid posture as she falls upon an envelope that obviously has her upset. "What's that one about?" I ask, ignoring her question directed at me.

"Nothing important, just another bill." My mom answers, her voice betraying her statement by sounding the slightest bit nervous.

"I get paid today." I state with enthusiasm, hoping to make it sound like a change in subject but we both know that my getting paid today influences that envelope in her hand.

"Thanks sweetie. I have to get going, give Courtney and Austin a hug good morning for me, okay?" She says, placing her mug in the sink before kissing my head goodbye.

"Of course. Have a good day, mom." I call after her, the rumbling of her car sounding through the house well after she's left.

I'm left in silence as I expertly make my way through our kitchen that I had become very accustomed with over the years. This house I knew better than the back of my hand, everything about it was almost an extension of myself.