Give me you | Markhyuck NCT

dear diary

Haechan's P.O.V
Dear diary,

I haven't been myself lately.

I just want to feel secure again. The barrier I had safely around me vanished before I could learn how to defend myself.

It's funny really. My friends know me as the strong-minded Haechan who never lets anyone tell him what to do, but tbh Im pretty much the opposite. I knew since the beginning that it was a line I drew that hid the fact that in reality, I'm useless on my own. I know I can't defend myself, and it's killing me.

I can't go out there again. But I can't stay at home either. It's as if I never have something to look forward to anymore. Nowhere to feel safe. There is always someone up against me who would stop at nothing to make my life miserable, in every way. I have bruises all over my body and open cuts I'm too scared to treat. I'd call my friends, but I don't want to worry them.

That is the cliché part of it all. If I don't tell my friends, something is going to happen to me. If I do tell my friends... Ultimately, that is the better option, but do I have the balls to tell them? No. I feel bad that they constantly have to take time out of their lives to come and see me on the verge of death because I hate my life. I can't do that to them AGAIN, but honestly, it inevitably is going to happen again.

Recently, I've just been accepting how things are. I've accepted that I'm failing all of my subjects, I've accepted that Mark will never like me, I've accepted that I'm going to amount to nothing at all and I've accepted that I'd rather get beaten to death than tell my friends before anything gets worse. And I'm not deserving enough to hope any of those will turn around for the better.

I'm weak. I can't do anything right. I don't work hard. I appear arrogant and rude. I don't study. I'm not and will ever be a good son. I can't defend myself. I'm a terrible person. I don't work hard enough to deserve a life on this planet. I'm a hopeless human being.

I deserve this.

After all, karma's a bitch, right? RiGhT?

But then again, I don't want it to happen another time. It gives me shudders to feel Yeonjun's fist land on me again, and again, and again. It gives me anxiety remembering being deprived of air to fill my lungs and no time to recover from every. Harsh. Blow.

I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. I don't want to tell anyone. I won't tell anyone. I don't want to admit that I'm caught in this inner conflict that I can't resolve on my own. It's hopeless.

Yours sincerely, Lee Donghyuck.

***
Mark's P.O.V.
Dear diary,

I think I'm gay. But I'm kinda not gay?

I dunno... What am I even supposed to write in these diaries? Haechan said they were somewhat therapeutic but it's stressing me because I don't have anything to write about.

But that's besides the point. I don't know what to feel at this point in time. I've been having... Dreams. And fantasies. And it just feels... Wrong!

I'm not gay! I can't be gay. I don't know what I'm feeling but I don't want to feel it any longer. It's so humiliating that I feel something about a guy.

And who's the "lucky" guy, huh? Take a guess.

Because it's Haechan.