Give me you | Markhyuck NCT

dear diary pt. 2

Mark's P.O.V.
Dear diary,

I can't believe I'm here again... And for the same reason too. The only difference between now and before is that I actually made a move.

Don't get me started on how it felt. After I lifted him away from the edge of the bridge, I couldn't help but look at his lips. I felt the curiosity come over me, so I kissed him... If I could, I would have stayed there just a little longer, but oxygen is a bitch. After it happened, I felt chills all over my body from how amazing it was. Yet, it was so weird.

This whole thing is dodgy to me. I mean, I've always had this thought ever since I met Haechan, that I could be gay... I never thought it would actually be a serious thought. Now that it is, however, I'm struggling to actually think straight. I studied all night because I feared that if I thought of Haechan all day, it would interfere with my school work.

And it did.

I was supposed to finish my composition an hour ago and I haven't even gotten around to doing that yet. In addition, I was supposed to revise my music theory but I'm stuck doing my composition that I'll probably fluke the theory exam.

What am I supposed to do? He is all I think about! He gives me butterflies and he's feisty with a funny persona but he has a vulnerable side to him that I love seeing. He's strong willed too. He wasn't wrong when he said that everything bad that could possibly happen was happening to him. Even though he did try to take his own life, he still decided to live on with the burden of everything on his shoulders. I liked that he manages to smile even with all of that. Fuck.

I like him.

Which also means, I'm gay. But I don't want to be gay. This is going to sound like a dick move but I gotta go. I have to be anywhere but near him. My parents raised me to focus on school and only find love with knowledge of my future successfulness. But if finding love now means I can't be successful, what's the point?

Where should I start... Should I tell him? Should I pretend I don't like him? Should I ignore him? Should I fu- no, that's a little nggh haha no.

What I want is to leave.

The best option I have is to stop his mentoring lessons. I actually found a job much easier to do that pays the same and I only stayed mentoring Haechan to hang out with him. In fact, I've already applied to it and my first shift starts in a few days... If Im going to say goodbye, I've gotta do it fast.

I'm... I'm sorry.

- Mark Lee

***

Mark sat on his desk, signing off his diary entry. Hesitantly, he closed the book and stared into space. The colour that once took on the painted walls of his apartment turned monotonous, the minimal shades of blue looking gray. His once colourful personality seemed dull inside him.

He didn't have to leave, but he chose to. He didn't have to ignore his feelings, but he chose to. He didn't have to accept his own feelings, but he chose to. His choices were what he thought was best for him, and those choices were leading to anything but happiness.

The truth was that time wasn't on his side. There was no time to meddle around with girls (and guys) when he planned on living the competitive life of the music industry. He wouldn't see most of his classmates most of the time due to them practicing hours at a time. Mark wanted to be like them, to study for hours and get what he wants most: a life in society.

However, he didn't want to leave on a sad note. He wanted to try things before he stopped trying all together. Perhaps, a phone call was in order?

Mark held the phone in his hand, watching as the number dialled. It made its usual deep, repetitive beeps over and over again, which made Mark grow more impatient. Eventually, the latter picked up the phone.

"Yobuseyo?"

"Haechan-ah... How are you holding up?"

"I'm pretty good I guess. Just been crying for an hour and only stopped just now," the boy laughed a short while, the tiredness still clear in his croaky voice. Mark decided to go straight to the point.

"How ab-bout you uhm-" Mark cleared his throat before continuing, "-How about you c-come over... T-To my... Holy shit."

Hearing the tone of the elder's voice, Haechan smiled and spoke. "Awe, are you nervous?"

"No I just uh- I wanna hang out. Binge watch movies or talk, I'm down for anything. J-Just to hang out with you."

"Oh... Sure! I'd like that. My place?" Grinning from ear to ear, Haechan punched the air, victoriously.

"Yeah! I'll see you there in an hour, is that okay?"

"Yup!" 

"Bye." Mark hung up briefly, mixed feelings. He felt a spark of joy through his veins and his mind but he was also empty. Mark knew that when time came for him to leave he'd have to leave behind all the friendships he made and everything he did for those friendships. No practices or days out.

And so, his fate was sealed.

________________
A/N Not ideal for an update. Kinda short and shit. And haha I hate liking people but life is life, ey?

K Bye Xx