The Drug Dealer's Wife.

#18 - Bite The Bullet

No. No. Hell the fuck no. My period was running dangerously late and I already knew what the outcome of that was. I paced around the Harding mansion in a frenzy. I knew how it happened, but why would it happen is what bothered me. This was such a weird time in my marriage, and I don't think either Bryson or I was prepared for this event. I was annoyed, shook, and in a state of disarray.

Everything was all good a few days ago at the resort. My friends and I were living our best life, forgetting that men even existed. And now I get back home to this lone house and things were going haywire. I didn't need this on my plate. This was too much to handle.

I glanced over at the huge amount of text messages and calls I made to Bryson. I knew we weren't in a good place, but I thought he should at least be here to help me figure out this whole situation. I shook my head, and frowned. His ass didn't even respond. I guess I wasn't as important to him as I thought.

I bit my lip and exhaled slowly. This wasn't the end of the world. I always wanted a child with Bryson. The idea of building a family was always on the forefront of my agenda. But the timing was definitely fucked up. I didn't even know if I wanted to be with this man anymore, and adding a baby into the mix wasn't healthy for anyone. I wasn't one of those females that believe that bringing a child into the world would make a relationship stronger. It only torn the relationship further apart, and left the child suffering. I've seen it first hand with my parents, and trust and believe, I was not about to walk in my mother's footsteps.

I picked up the pregnancy test, but dropped it back down shortly afterwards. Bryson should be here with me. I just didn't want to feel as alone as I did, and I didn't think calling my friends at 3 A.M for support was the right thing to do. I knew without a doubt that my friends had my back, but having them constantly in my business wasn't smart. The questions would start to roll in, and I wasn't in the mood to answer why Bryson wasn't by my side at this moment. Shit, I didn't even know where he was at or when he was planning to pop back up again.

All I knew was that I couldn't afford for this circumstance to beat me up. I've overcame so many obstacles, and if I was indeed pregnant, I would see the good in this and count it as a blessing. Hmm, maybe it would even bring my mother and I closer. We've been at odds for majority of my life, and hopefully this was a way for a new beginning. I didn't want to be beefing with her forever anyways. The shit was tiring and sometimes, I really wanted my biological mother in my life. She was the only one who could fill certain voids.

There was a rustling sound from the back door, and before I could blink twice I saw my husband darting in the kitchen where I was seated. He rushed over to me with so much worry and scrutiny, it made me grateful that the other day's dispute didn't disrupt today's communication.

"Baby, what's going on? I just saw your texts. Is everything okay? What's up?"

I studied Bryson's mannerisms and physique, and it made me smile. I erased all doubt about Bryson not caring and threw it out the window. I didn't know what was going to become of our relationship, but it was good that I could depend on him when I needed him the most.

I slid the pregnancy test across the island, over to Bryson's direction. He picked it up and scanned the box, then looked over at me with that smile that melted my heart. Bryson leaned over and kissed my forehead gently. If we were going to have a baby, he or she was going to be loved dearly.

"Don't get all excited yet." I murmured. "I have to take the test now and see what's going on."

"Let's not waste another second."  Bryson urged. "I might be someone's dad."

I reluctantly rose from my seat and headed to the bathroom with an enthusiastic Bryson walking closely behind. I knew the procedure of how the test goes well enough, but I was still scared shit and trembled when I sat down on the toilet. If the end result of this test was positive, it was going to be life changing. And as much as I really wanted a family and all the joys that came with it, I wasn't sure if right now was the time to start any of that.

"So we just wait now?" Bryson asked impatiently.

I nodded, unable to speak. I was experiencing a mass of emotions and my head was starting to feel dizzy. The next few minutes of waiting felt like eternity, and I tried to clear my brain and think of uplifting thoughts. If I was carrying a child, I had to bring a newer outlook to life so that energy could be relayed onto my baby. I was surrounded with chaos from birth, and that's the last thing I want for anyone else's child, furthermore mine.

"Well?" asked an exasperated Bryson. "It's been a while."

I glanced over at the white stick that I peed on not to long ago and sighed. This was the moment of truth. A child was a huge step and required extensive growth and maturity. It wasn't going to be about me or Bryson anymore. We had to get it together. Picking up the test, my heart came to a halt as I noticed there was only one line. I didn't know if to be relieved or disappointed.

Bryson on the other hand was clearly discouraged for it showed. He breathed out restlessly and rubbed his forehead with his right hand. Throwing the test in the trash, he came besides me and we both leaned on the sink area. We stood there quiet, deep in our own thoughts.

"If your monthly doesn't come in two days, I'll call a doctor over." Bryson whispered. "That's fine with you, right?"

"Yeah, much appreciated." I answered.

Bryson cleared his throat and folded his arms. This was the first time my husband and I had an awkward moment. I didn't know what to say to him, and I gathered he felt the same way. We never had a disagreement like this before, and I feared that if we even revisited his declaration back at the resort, it would only make matters worse for our relationship.

"If you need to leave you can." I said. "You don't gotta babysit me."

"Oh stop it Nova!" Bryson responded. "Let's discuss the elephant in the room and get past it. You're mad that I shot someone and you're even madder that he's someone you know. Address it."

"Oh you damn right I'm upset." I snapped. "You took someone from their family, B! And now you want me to look the other way like nothing happened. Seriously? I can only imagine the pain his mother, girlfriend and kids are going through."

"Would you have this same energy if I died in that hospital? Do you really think Trevor would have came over and wipe your tears?" Bryson returned. "I did what I had to do and I ain't apologetic. Motherfucka had it coming. You don't know what goes down in this game. Said you don't want no parts, remember? I'm not the bad person here Mrs. Harding."

I glanced over at my husband and saw the anger in his eyes. He was right, I didn't have a clue what he went through being in that way of living. I just knew I didn't like it. It was dangerous, and although they were pros of being the wife of an infamous drug dealer, none of it would have mattered if Bryson wasn't here with me.

"I'm almost done with this shit. I did say I wasn't going to do this forever." Bryson continued. "Baby, just hang in there with me. The deal for the area is nearly complete and then all of this will be a distant memory. I know he was your friend, but I'm your man. I don't even wanna think about all the pain that you would have endured if I died in that hospital Nova. So I'm not telling you to turn the other cheek, you're too morally correct. But try to have a different perspective on this. I love you. And I want us to work through this. We have to get through this."

"We'll ride to the wheels fall off. And when they do, we'll walk." I responded, smiling.

Bryson chuckled and bent over, kissing me warmly. He then excused himself because his phone rang, and that left me there mellowing in my own being. I was down to try everything before I ever left this man. I love Bryson, and I trusted him with my life. So if he said that he wasn't the bad guy in the situation with Trevor, I was going to believe that and move forward from it. Because only Lord knows the traumatic state I would be in if Bryson got viciously wiped away from my life.