Masters of War

XXIX.

Hera Imperial
May 16, 2019 at 12:55 AM

Accordingly, it takes around 200 muscles to take a single step. I wonder, how many muscles moved when I walked because I was told that I had to at least see you in the morgue before we had to take you home? How many muscles did I have to force when I decided to turn my back and walked out that white room because I can't? How could many muscles broke, and in which parts of my body, when my brain tried to process the fact that under the white sheet was you and your lifeless body? I still don't have an answer. But I can feel and remember it vividly. Everything hurt, and nothing made sense. And I knew then, that whatever broke that day, was something that I could never repair. No matter how much I try.

People say that time will heal all wounds. And they have this pretentious notion in their heads that the pain of the people who dies stop the moment they take their last breaths. I did not have the luxury of asking you that. But Papa, did it really stop? Did the pain left? Or did it hurt more because I know that if you were given a chance, you'd like to live to a hundred. You'd like to be given more. And I'd very much like that, too. I would beg, even. Just for all the gods to let you stay.

Had I known then, I would've called all the gods. I would've asked them to make you stay. And as selfish as this may sound, even just for an hour, or maybe for another day. Or maybe for another year—years. Because who am I kidding? An hour, a day, even a year will not be enough. Humans are like this. We tend to be greedy and I am nothing but greedy at the moment. In my heart, I know that I have been robbed, still. You, my favorite person, was taken from me.

Ang daya pa rin. No matter how much I try to think about it. No matter how much I try to pacify myself. Malungkot pa rin ako. I am at the point of my sadness that whenever I think about you, all the muscles in my body can only remember one response: to cry and let myself wallow in pain. Kasi masakit pa rin. They lied when they said that time heals. It never does. Hindi naman ako maayos pa rin. Lahat na nga sinisi ko. Oras, mundo, Diyos, mga tao, sarili ko... lahat. Kasi hindi ko alam kung kanino ako dapat magalit.

Mag-iisang taon na next month, hindi ko pa rin alam kung kanino ako dapat magalit. Hindi ko pa rin alam kanino ko dapat isisi. Mas madali kasi mag-cope kapag may tinatapunan ako ng galit na laman ng puso ko. Kahit ano na lang. Kahit sino na lang.

God, I just wish that wherever you are right now, sana totoo 'yung sabi nila na hindi na masakit. 'Yon na lang iniisip ko palagi. Pinapaniwala ko na lang sarili ko na maayos ka. Tapos gusto ko na lang din hanapin 'yong sarili ko na nawala no'ng nawala ka. Kaso hindi ko pa rin alam paano. I don't know because when your heart stopped, mine had forgotten that it still needs to exist.

I just really miss you. Tapos, ayokong sumabay sa 18 when everyone is suddenly remembering you. How good of a man you were. How beautiful your heart was. Because if I am being honest, I have not forgotten. Not even for a single day. My heart won't let me. I have it imprinted. That in my 23 years of existence, I had you. And that I was your favorite girl. And that I never had to ask twice, or doubt because I know that you'll always be there. That you'll always love me whole. No buts, no whys.

Maybe that's why I still feel lost. Because I know and I understand that I will never find a love like yours. I will never find anyone like you. And every time I pray, I just ask for you. For my dad. Kahit alam kong imposible.

Just, come back. Please. Even as a dream. As a wind. As a wave to the shore. Even in passing, even just for a second. That's how desperate my heart has become.

I miss you very very much, Papa. May my love reach you still, no matter how far.