WILD HEART (ENGLISH)

Hoodie

The tour had come to an end and it was time to unpack, the worst part of any trip. Packing up was always exciting and fast, but undoing was another story, even worse to a suitcase for such a long time away from home. As I put my belongings in the closet again, I found a gray hoodie sweatshirt in the corner. I took it in my hands and unfolded it, it was Brad's favorite hoodie, the one he wore the most. He always left some things at home, just like I did in theirs, sometimes for forgetting or for convenience, since he came with a certain frequency. I wonder how many things he must have around here yet and what I would do with them.

For a moment I felt stopped in time. What to do when you're stuck? Cause the one that you love had pushed you away and you can't deal with the pain. Now someone else is trying to fix me, mend what he did while I try to find the piece that is missing, but I still miss him. Does Blake make me happy? With all the certainty of the world! It's like he's the first in line or who waits for me, giving me all his time. He could be my hero if I could let Brad go, but he stills in me like a broken arrow, that doesn't come out and also doesn't let it heal completely. Like a thorn in my flesh that I can't take out while this situation isn't resolved, but I feel weak when I think about solving it.

Have you ever felt like your heart is split in two? You feel good but you're destroyed inside; you feel the love but you just can't embrace it because you found the right person at the wrong moment. I can not forget what happened and forgive him, rekindle the friendship, but I also can not move on. Just like James said. I can not be 100% happy next to my boyfriend without first dealing with him. Really wish that we could go back to the way that it was. That friendship that illuminated the grayest days, when they were hard and the hours seemed much longer. They have been my family since I moved to London, made adapting easier, dealing with longing and absence was something complicated for someone so young who decided to follow the dreams and start life from the other side of the ocean from scratch. Dreams that seemed bigger than me back then. They were there. He was there. He knows me better than anyone else, knows my worst, saw me hurt, but he doesn't judge. This is the scariest feeling because it's crazy to think that who was once the anchor that kept me in place was exactly the one that sank me. Now we are here, close as two complete strangers. It's like the family is broken, like a puzzle with a missing piece. He's the part that is missing and I can't be complete, even when people try to convince me it's not worth.

I know this is all over and the world we knew split in two. But we could make it work if we could find a way to say everything that was not said. I wish I could wake up and find out it was all a bad dream, with all the mistakes erased from my mind and an empty broken heart. I wish I could bring it all back to the start, but it's not in my hands since he blew his last chance when you played me. When I found out how you fooled me, I was broken. At that time I believed him with all my heart, with my eyes closed, as if I placed all my trust and life in his hands, in the hands of my best friend who, theoretically, is a person who would never be able to hurt me.

When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down. Cause my heart breaks every time I hear your name and I remember what we built.

I'm a prisoner in my own life. I no longer want to have to hurt myself by thinking about how things should have been, what would change, the possibilities kill me inside, if I was guilty, if I saw something that didn't exist or anything related. I wish I was strong enough to handle this storm. My friends say that they don't recognize me anymore, that I haven't been the same during the rest of the tour, and when I say everything will come back to normal they don't believe me anymore, because they know how much I hate unsolved situations, especially when it's about someone who used to mean so much. So maybe it's time to face the facts, play cards on the table, and I'll be the first to say it's too late to try to apologize for your mistakes.

I filled my chest with air when I looked in the mirror, I'm not the same girl who started the tour with the best friends.

Unconsciously I carried the sweater close to my nose, and I could smell it. His cologne was still there after all this time, very soft, but it was, or maybe my brain is cheating on me just to remind me what it was like to have him around.

— What are you doing, weirdo? — I heard Blake's voice behind me, chuckling as he approached. I put my sweatshirt aside and looked confused, I did not know he would come today, but I think it's normal since we're together. — The door was open and I went in, I hope I did not scare you. — He kissed my cheek and sat on my bed. — You should not leave your door unlocked.

— Yes, dad. — I rolled my eyes as I giggled and folded the sweatshirt again. — I was used to having friends here, it was easier to leave it unlocked. But I'll be more careful. — I smiled at him. Nothing bad has ever happened in my building or in the vicinity of it, one of the reasons I have this custom.

— A little big to be yours, isn't it? — He commented, nodding toward the piece in my hand. Damn it! Now he'll find it even stranger that I'm sniffing a piece of clothing.

— It's not mine... — I scratched my head, distinctly uncomfortable, and nibbled on my lower lip, looking away at the pair of brown eyes. — It's from Brad... He must have forgotten here someday.

— And you were sniffing for which reason? — He frowned as he looked at me.

— Hm... Because he spent a lot of time in the closet and I think it's best to wash before returning, that's it. — I answered giving him a tight lip smile, turning to the closet to continue to store my things.

— Do you want me to return it to him?

— No, it's okay. When I see one of the boys I'll ask them to return it to him after I wash. Thank you! — I approached him to kiss his lips but soon returned to my suitcase.

Blake was lying on my bed, telling me a few things but I was not really listening after a while. Sometimes I would look at my sweatshirt in the corner of my closet and he would take me somewhere else. I used to put my hands in its pockets when I used it, with the smell of his cologne while watching TV, with or without him. The truth is, I loved stealing his clothes, they looked so much more comfortable than mine to stay at home. It made me feel a little bit closer to him when they were away because of the band or any other reason, it gave comfort to some crises that I had to be away from home.

I invited Blake to sleep in my home that night, it was good to spend time with him without interference like the tour. We ate pizza, watched our favorite movies, and of course enjoyed every second of each other's presence and affection. He makes everything so light that I forget the problems and just focus on being happy. But life is not a fairy tale, right? Something always brought me back to reality. This time, one more late-night call from him. For all this time I have ignored these calls but not today.

I looked to the side and Blake slept peacefully, got out of bed and left the room carefully, did not want to wake him, he seemed so calm. I walked to the balcony in the living room and stared at the cell phone screen for a moment as I took a deep breath, tapping the screen to answer the call.

My heart was pounding against my chest, making hard to breath.

— H-hello? Y/n? You there? — The regret of answering the call quickly hit me. Listening to his voice after so long, feeling the nervousness in her and how much she seemed to choke on words, made me forget all the speech I had made. —Y/n? Please, answer me. You do not know how long I waited for you to answer my call and I could say everything I have to tell you and ...

— No, it's my turn to talk. — I interrupted him, taking charge of the situation. — But it will not be over the phone. I'm going to your house tomorrow and we'll have the conversation we should have had already. — From his silence, he seemed surprised. But he agreed, and without further ado, we hung up the phone. I went back to the bedroom, lay down on the bed with my head on Blake's chest, who then hugged me. I kissed his chest and closed my eyes trying to sleep, but I could not. Not before I think of everything I wanted to say to him tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day to say everything that got choked up during these weeks.