Rainbow - BTS

14 - Violet

(Tw: eating disorder. I'm no expert, and I don't have personal experience of them. But I think they should be presented as what they are: destructive, but seemingly normal for those with eating disorders. It's not something that can't be fixed. But it's also not something romantically tragic. Hopefully I've managed that.)

lavender brought me serenity
lilacs sparked my creativity
violets gave me spirituality
and then mulberry gave me inferiority

beauty in a million hues
darkness spreading over a million truths
i'm not just a wall of support for you if you fall
i don't always appear at the flick of a hand

don't assume that i am happy
don't assume that i don't worry like you
don't assume that i don't long to be someone else
because none of that is true

appearance doesn't mean anything
so stop giving definitions to the things you love
you can mean everything and more to those who push you up, no matter what -
keep them. they care.

Jin sighs, pushing his hair away from his face and wincing a little at the acidic taste in his mouth, standing up from the toilet and placing a cool hand on his own throat, which burns from the impact of what's just happened. Tae doesn't know about this. Joon doesn't know about this. Nobody knows about this side of him.

They can't know. They'll hate him for it.

For a few seconds, he just lets himself breathe, ignores the way his heart hurts, ignores the unpleasant smell of what's just happened. Sometimes all he needs is a moment to himself to recover, and then he can carry on pretending. He's a purple. He has to be perfect. He can't be anything less.

Once his head has stopped spinning, at least a little, he stands up unsteadily, flushing away the evidence and washing his hands, taking another deep breath to soothe his system a little. He used to be scared of this, used to fear the way the world would spin, the way his stomach turned upside down, but now he almost craves the feeling. It makes him feel less empty.

It's not healthy, but that's what it's like for him these days.

He tries to keep his eating normal, a lot of the time. If he binged properly, someone would know. But when he eats too much, that's when he has to come here and make sure he's not going to put on weight. He's got this under control. Everything is fine.

He checks the mirror one last time before leaving the room, making sure there's no visible sign of what happened here. He can't let his guard slip. Tae needs to worry about himself. Not the older brother who works himself to the bone so that the younger male can have a future.

Purples don't have a future, it's that simple.

"You alright, hyung?" he hears the younger call from another room. "You were in there a while? Is that the curry again? Should I stop making it?"
"No, no, I don't think so. Just spent too much time on my phone, I think. Nothing to worry about, Tae. I'm fine."
"Are you sure?" Taehyung comes into the hallway, regarding him with slightly suspicious eyes. "You're a bit paler than usual."

"I'm just tired, that's all," Jin covers up, and his brother raises an eyebrow at him, not totally believing that either.
"Come on, hyung, you know I wouldn't judge you for anything, don't you?"
"I know, I know. I think these last shifts just took it out of me a little, I guess. I'm fine, I swear," the older male continues. Taehyung watches him with concern for a few seconds before nodding slowly.
"Get some sleep, hyung. I'll lock up. It's getting late anyway."

Jin decides to go with that, knowing better than to refuse, and anyway, he has a shift in the morning. Namjoon never makes him work too early, unless he absolutely has to. But they're short staffed tomorrow, and the newbie probably needs a little more support. It's only been a few weeks since his first day, and in that time nobody can learn everything they need to know. It takes time, and practice.