Rainbow - BTS

34 - Violet

when you bruise you bleed
whatever you see, you believe
when you have no self-esteem
how can I bring you from the darkness you see?

family means more than just blood
family is more than a household
family is being there for each other, no matter what
family will never leave you to suffer alone

Kim Seokjin sits there, watching his younger brother with tired eyes. This isn't the first time that things have taken a turn for the worse, sure, but now both of them are struggling. This time, both of them know their own failures, know that they can't cope with life as it is right now. This time, they both crashed at the same time. This time, they need to find a more sustainable solution.

Taehyung looks ill, gaunt and exhausted, his expression open, his eyes filled with the guilt and the worry and the self-hatred. He's apologised a million times for last night, but he hasn't tried to explain himself, hasn't bothered to force Jin to understand his plight, as he's done in the past. This time, he apologises, promises to try and do better, and shuts up.

"It was Youngmi, wasn't it?" Jin says quietly. Taehyung nods. "I thought you deleted her number?"
"Turns out I only deleted the conversation."
"You know she's toxic, especially for you, don't you?" Taehyung nods again. "So why did you turn to her? Why didn't you talk to me?"

Jin's voice is rich with the confusion, the slight betrayal, the worry, and it makes his brother curl up in his chair. "I..I didn't want to throw more onto you. I knew you were finding it hard. I know you're working on it. And with everything else, it just...exploded. And I found myself turning to Youngmi for an escape. It was wrong, I know that. And it isn't your fault at all." He sighs, brushes a hand through greasy hair, winces a little. "I should've known that she wouldn't take no for an answer."

Jin says nothing, but the panic that flashes in his eyes is enough for Taehyung to realise what his words could be seen as. "Nothing like that happened," he reassures the purple, who relaxes slightly at the admission, "it was just a lot of alcohol, that's all. I don't even know what she gave me, to be honest, she just wouldn't stop forcing me to drink it. I should've known that she hadn't changed."

Jin sighs. "My coworker gave me the contact details of someone he knows. He's a personal trainer, as far as I can tell, who uses exercise as a form of therapy for people who need some support. He deals with low self esteem related issues, eating disorders. Stuff like that. Apparently, the idea is that exercise has two functions: helps with the happy hormones or whatever, and it gives you a healthier way to improve yourself if that's what you need. It helps you see what you're really capable of."

The orange jolts in surprise. "So you're willing to receive some help with healing and stuff?" Jin shrugs.
"I don't know. It's hard to decide what to do, but I now have the option of talking to this guy, who might be able to help me. I still don't know if his way of working will be useful for me, so it's not certain-"
"But it's a possible solution?" Taehyung asks eagerly.

His brother shakes his head. "Not exactly. Jimin, my coworker, told me that this guy actively encourages his clients to also seek psychiatric support, and works alongside their counsellors to develop personalised programmes. He isn't a licensed therapist in his own right, though he does have a psychology background."

There's a moment of silence, and then Jin looks over at his brother, who's just sat there, thinking. "Are you okay, Tae? I know you expect me to be furious, but I can't be mad at you. You're my little brother. I just want you to be okay."

"I don't know," the orange responds, hesitantly. "I don't know how I feel. I don't know what I need. I know I fucked up this time around, and it was my own fault. I shouldn't have turned to my old habits for a release when I have writing. I just felt...like I wanted to forget about it all. Like I didn't want to know about all the stress of life for a while, like I wanted a break, and I only made the situation worse in the process. I don't know what I was thinking. It was dumb of me, and I know that."