Rainbow - BTS

20 - Indigo

(Potential tw: depressive episode. Everyone's experience of these things are entirely different and entirely valid, this is just how this particular character goes through it. This doesn't represent all cases, only showing one type of depressive episode and I honestly should've done more research. If you wanna know more about it, I highly recommend doing your own research. Enjoy the chapter)

we all break sometimes
and it's mostly the moments when it would just be better to be whole
you never break when you think you will

it's always a week later, in the supermarket, with your friends
creeps up on you and gets you by surprise

i need to get groceries, i don't need to have a panic attack right now
i need to serve this customer, i don't need to freeze completely
i need to stop my dinner from burning, but i can't think
I need to find my keys, but my head feels like it's crashing down on me

About halfway through the meal, it finally hits him. He's busy eating a forkful of salad, something he ordered simply because he wasn't feeling like having something particularly heavy today, when his mind finally strikes.

Namjoon seems to be able to tell the moment Yoongi's eyes glaze over, because he frowns, concerned. "Hyung? Are you still with us?" he asks as gently as he can despite the anxiety battling within his mind, the worry in his voice bringing the older male into the room again for a few moments, even though it's foggy.
"I think I'm going," Yoongi mumbles reluctantly, and Jungkook and Taehyung share a confused look.

Of course. They've never actually seen this. They know that he gets episodes where he doesn't seem to care about the rest of the world. They know that sometimes everything goes numb, and he'd rather die than deal with the sensory overload of the living world. They know when his mind and his past takes over, and he can't think past his instincts anymore.

The problem with mental health problems, is that they never truly go away for good.

Sure, coping mechanisms and diagnosis, medication and therapy, help to decrease symptoms and bring back a facade of normality, but there is no such thing as fully 'healed'. Especially not with Yoongi's situation. And he knows that. It just gets in the way sometimes, when he falls back down the spiral. Like right now.

There's a moment of silence for a moment. Then Namjoon speaks. "You were eating," he reminds the indigo gently, and that's when Yoongi remembers to chew and swallow the food still in his mouth. It feels almost like cotton wool, but he knows from experience that he will either swallow now or forget to, and be unable to when things get worse in his mind. Or he might even try and force himself to choke.

It's gotten that bad before.

He raises a hand, slowly, as if he's moving through treacle, bringing it to his temple as his head begins to physically hurt. "Did- Did I take my meds today, Joon?" he asks slowly, every word feeling like it's forced through his voice box.
"I don't know, hyung. Do you remember taking them earlier?"
"I don't even remember-" Yoongi stops, shakes his head, winces at the movement. "I don't-"

The blue stands up, walking to the other side of the table and carefully lifting Yoongi to his feet, taking the weight of the older man when he leans heavily on the younger. "Do you wanna go home, hyung?" he asks gently.
"I-I wanna-"
"Just tap the table once for yes, don't worry about speech. I know it's hard."

Yoongi taps the table quickly, wincing at the sound it makes, and Namjoon hums, low in his throat, the sound intentionally familiar. "It's alright, big bro. I've got you. I can drive you home."