Anything&Everything

Life

Life is  weird. So weird.
I graduated high school two months ago, and it seems like my life took a very sharp turn. I don't know if it's a good one yet. There are days when I think "this is so cool, I feel so grown up, people seem to take me more seriously now". And then there are times when I think "well, this is shit, I want to go back to how it used to be".

What I kind of realized is that the whole year I was like a robot. Everyday was pretty much the same. Studying, more studying aaaaaand then studying again. I knew what I had to do each day. For how many hours I have to do it, what I will do afterwards. And now, during summertime, I am kind of lost because I have the opportunity and time to do new things, but I am exhausted. It's been awhile since I have been done with all the school stress and in less than a month I am starting uni. BUT. I still am not in the right shape. My health is disappointing me each day more and more and I am so sick of talking about it all the time. Probably my family and friends are also tired of listening to me whine about it each day but it seems like my whole life is connected to it right now. If I feel good physically, I most definitely will  feel good mentally. If I have a bad health day, then we can say goodbye to positivity.

Sometimes when I am out with friends, they are like "oh Masha, your skin is soo red, is it the allergy again?" and I am like "yeahhh, but it's fine, just need a teeny bit of time and it will go down". But on the inside I am like an open fire. Everything is itchy, burning, I feel heavier, like it's harder for me to walk, to focus on things, everything is a bit blurry, I start to feel like some parts of my skin are becoming numb. But what do you see on the outside? A smile. Positive attitude. Jokes. "Well, I am glad you guys are here, in case I faint, you'll be able to carry me to the nearest bench". And it's all said in a joking manner, but I know that if I push myself too much, it can  actually happen and it won't be funny anymore.

But what has been bugging me the most lately is how confused I am. About everything. My feelings, my emotions. I constantly find myself trying to seek an answer to the question "why do I feel this way?" and I can't seem to find the solution. I am trying but it's just so complicated. I can be doing fun stuff, hanging out with friends but there is still this lingering feeling of not being fully happy and satisfied. And it sucks. So much so that I start to judge myself and push myself to the limit. I am like "why can't you be happy for once? You have wonderful friends, a loving family, why are you still not satisfied with everything?"

And I guess, right now, this is the biggest question for me. I don't know when I'll find an answer to it but I really hope that I will at some point.

❤️