Anything&Everything

Not enough

A certain toxic trait I have is always feeling like and telling myself that I am not enough. Lately it's mostly revolved around university.

I always feel like I am not studying enough. Not learning enough words, not doing my homework properly, not getting good enough marks. People who are close to me might say that I am crazy because they know that I actually do a lot, I rarely let myself be lazy but in my head I feel like I do so little. I can never allow myself to rest properly, especially when I know that there is unfinished work. Even when I don't have any urgent tasks, some that might be due in a week, I still feel bad about not doing them right away. "You have free time right now, why not do it, you'll hate yourself next week when you will have less time to finish it".

Last semester I worked like a machine. I'd sit for 9 hours straight doing philosophy on weekends. And then I'd top it off with all my other homework. I wouldn't go anywhere, no walks, no meeting up with friends.

And you know what, even then I didn't feel like I did enough.

This semester, as I am giving myself more room to breathe, I seem to harass myself even more. I coooonstantly feel like I am not studying enough, and when I get bad grades for certain subjects, I just start to eat myself up.

I know I can't be perfect all the time. I know that I need to be easier on myself. I know that I need to let myself rest without hating myself for it. I know all that, but I can't seem to actually do it.

I am trying my best, and I want to say to anyone who is reading this and is also feeling that they are not enough, that I love you, you are not alone and we will learn how to truly appreciate ourselves. All we need is time.

💗