Anything&Everything

Friendships

Friendships are complicated for me. Believing that people are actually interested in talking to me is even harder.

I went through my fair share of weird friend situations when I was younger. I had a girl in my class who was the daughter of the head of our school, and she thought that it was the coolest thing in the entire world. She manipulated everyone in our class, gossiped, boycotted, any bad thing you can imagine - she did it. No one really said anything because we were scared that she'd tell her dad.
I was one of her main victims. I always socialized pretty easily, so I was on good terms with almost everyone in our class. However, she decided to make my life miserable. I would come to school and none of my classmates would talk to me, because she all of a sudden decided to make everyone boycott against me for no reason. And that would happen every few days. One day she is talking to me and we are all good, and the over she gives me silent treatment and ignores me. And I never knew what I did wrong. I would ask, but could never get an answer. That kept happening through all primary school.

As we got older, in middle school, it got better. She stopped "flashing her status" to everyone but it still wasn't perfect. Once, my two school bffs and her went away to camp with our school, and while they were there, she decided to get mad at me for no reason and then make the other girls do that as well. For 5 days I was texting all of them, trying to figure out what was wrong, apologizing constantly( though there was nothing to say sorry for), but all they said was: " you are so annoying, please stop texting us all the time".
While they were away having fun, I was left at home crying for 5 days in a row not knowing what to do to get my friends back.

Those kind of situations happened many times in my life. With other people as well. And, of course, I'd constantly ask myself, what was wrong with me. Why did I have no good friends at circus school? Why were my friends from school and musical school constantly getting mad at me for no apparent reason? Why did I always have to apologize when I did nothing wrong?

All that stuff made me believe that I was hard to love. And I still feel that way. As much as I get told how wonderful I am, I never believe it. I always feel annoying or clingy. I never know how to react to compliments, because on the one hand I appreciate them so much, but on the other I always ask myself: "are they being truthful or just nice?"

That's also why I hate conflicts. I always get so anxious that I'll lose that person. That they will tell me that it was all a lie and they don't actually care about me.

But that's also why I treat people with so much love. I know how much it hurts to be pushed away, to have been told that you are annoying and stupid, and I never ever want anybody else to feel that way.

Right now I am working on how to be stronger and more confident in myself. How to believe that I actually mean something to my friends. I have always been the first one to mend any conflict, I still usually am, but I also want to me able to stand up for myself and for what I believe. As much as I want others to feel loved by me, I also want to feel loved by myself❤️

I love you. ❤️