TANTRIC (Book 3 of the Soundcrush Series)

Chapter 17: Hippie Chics Have One Vice Left

Let's check in with Ash and see what she's feeling after the show-down with Tam and Ben at the hospital!

Ashlynn

I snatch my headphones off and close my laptop.

Screw this guided meditation for anger release.

I rise and pace. Meditation is not going to work this anger out.

Ben made me angry at myself. I'm not afraid of Ben. Because he's Kat primary security guy for her public appearances, I see Ben all the time. I know him better than anyone in SCIC, besides maybe Riley and Tamara. He's a good guy; he would never physically hurt me. I know that.

So why did my heart race and muscles itch with the need to get away from him?

Because I'm a coward.

Maybe it wasn't even Ben I was running from. Maybe it was Tamara. She was so...mean to me, and it hurt and made me angry, and I just wanted to get away from both of those feelings.

I can't understand why she hates me now.

When I was using, Tamara was one of the few people that wasn't judgmental. She treated me just like she treated Bodie, who was often as high as I was. She had tolerance. Sometimes she would say stuff about our drugs problems, but she never cruel...just matter-of-fact. One time when she was doing my makeup for me, on a rare occasion that Trace took me to a party that Leed and Mac were throwing, she told me my drug habit was ruining my skin and that I should at least try to drink a full glass of water with every pill I popped.

We laughed over it.

When I was in recovery the last time—she was one of my biggest supporters. I thought we were actually friends.

I mean, damn, I was a bridesmaid in her wedding three months ago. The week before her wedding, she was joking around with me about being her replacement with Leed. I thought maybe she wanted us to be together.

Everything changed when she had Ollie.

Ollie is so much like Leed. I think in some weird way, falling so much in love with Ollie has made Tam's feelings for Leed stronger. And he's such an amazing father—how could she not feel for him?

But she won't admit that, probably even to herself. Because she loves Ben too.

She basically loves two men, I think.

It can happen. I was still in love with Cam and also in sort of weird platonic love with Trace, too. When I truly got stable in recovery I knew that the feelings were misplaced and I knew I had to work to get over for my feelings for Kat's sake, and now I see Trace differently—more like I saw him growing up—but the honest truth is, it was only the year and half that I spent distant from him that helped me to resolve those feelings. When we were living together, when he was taking care of me, I felt a very strong connection to him. I felt like I could have stayed married to Trace. I didn't even care about the fangirls or the fact that we didn't have any physical affection. I just...wanted to give back to him, for what he had done for me. Him smiling when I made him coffee was the best part of my day for many months.

I imagine it's a lot like what Tamara and Leed are experiencing right now. Ben is back to working nearly forty hours a week. He always goes into the city with Kat on Mondays, and to class with her on Tuesdays and Thurdays. Plus he's the guy Trace likes to take if they go out, so he's working some weekend hours, too.

I don't like to think of all the time Tam and Leed are spending alone. I know nothing is going on physically, but there's no getting around that they are Ollie's parents, and they are both just...awash in love for him. And caring for him like a couple. At least while Ben is away.