The Nearness Of You

2

Jinnie

I just can't get that man's face out of my head. The moment he turned his head towards me made me somewhat self conscious. I've been performing in front of many people for a few years now and as an experienced performer I never get queasy whenever I'm up on the stage. But what happened awhile ago was different. I never felt so nervous when he turned his gaze towards me, like I have to do well upstage although I know I always do. And when I felt his all too sudden admiration and his face that showed awe it almost resulted my loss of bearing. I've never been that way in my entire singing career. There's something in him that made me a bit jittery. And when he approached me my heart managed to flutter like crazy. I know he would come up to me and that I should've just left so he can't, but I stayed and waited for him to come near me. And now I can't stop thinking of him. What on earth is happening to me? I shouldn't feel this way. This is wrong. Still, I feel like I want to see him again.

"Your thoughts are battling with your desire I see.." Yesung's rasp voice echoed in my ears. What he said brought me back to consciousness, I was lost in deep thought.

I turned to him. "Stop invading my thoughts, Yeye. Spare me please." I told him sternly. I lean my head on the car seat and closed my eyes, hoping he would just focus in his driving and leave me and my thoughts alone. How I hate it. But it couldn't be helped. That's how were supposed to be.

Yesung chukled. "You know I couldn't help it. Your thoughts are loud enough I could always hear it."

"Then don't pay attention and think of other stuff. I don't meddle with yours so leave me alone." There. I've said it. I hope he would be sensitive enough to do so.

Yesung's smiling face changed to seriousness and I heard him let out a heavy breath. "Jinn, you know very well not to entertain those feelings you're having. We are not allowed to have such emotions. We're here for a certain purpose. We shouldn't think of ourselves but other people. That's not being selfless, letting yourself drown to those feelings of yours. That would be trouble. You know that soon we will--"

"I know, Yesung! I know!" I couldn't help not to feel a little irritated as I listen to his long soliloquy. Why is he even tagging along with me all these years? I sighed heavily. "Let's just drop this okay? Let's stop talking about this. I'm tired." In my mind I'm waving a white flag. I hope he can see it.

"Jinnie, I'm just concerned. It's only a couple of months left. We would soon get back to where we should be, to what we really are. That's why I'm being like this. I hope you understand."

I do, Yesung.. I do.. I'm too tired to argue verbally.

Then that's good.. I'm sorry for being like this too.. Yesung's thoughts tells me. I just want you to be safe..

I didn't respond and just looked outside the car window. How am I ever going to get any privacy with Yesung around? This is hopeless. It's killing me. I have to stop thinking of that Seungri guy everytime Yesung's with me. Unfortunately, all the time he is.

He stopped the car and I didn't realize we're already in front of our apartment building. God, my thoughts keep on wandering. Not a good sign. Yesung will notice. Or maybe he already had. I went out of the car and walked ahead of him towards the entrance of the six storey apartment building we're living at. Our space is on the third floor. I hurried towards the stairs but he still managed to keep up with me. We walked in silence. Thank heavens. When we reached the door of our unit I immediately jabbed the keys and went inside. Before I could enter my room I hear him say something to me.

"Stop thinking of him, Jinnie."

I didn't look back at him. "I'm tired, Yesung. Goodnight." With that I went into my room and closed the door without even glancing at him. I never bothered to change my clothes, I just took off my sandals and plopped on my bed with rattled thoughts. What torture it is! I couldn't think straight. Seungri's face, Yesung's words, my own judgement and reasoning. My head is in a spin. And I am so tired. My body, my weak mundane body, was telling me to give herself some rest for now. I closed my eyes. I want to rest myself from all the thinking and Yesung's prying. I need some peace and quiet. I drifted off to sleep.