The Nearness Of You

10

Jinnie

"Jinn."

Yesung's voice brought me back to my senses and I turn to look at him. "Hmm?" I respond to him after he spoke my name. Yesung threw a glance at me and then back on the road. He's driving me to work and plans to stay at the bar for the whole time I'd be there.

"You're thinking about it again." He tells me. "Don't think of lying. I can read your thoughts."

I could only sigh. Well, what can I say?

"Jinnie, it's all in the past now. Stop thinking about what happened. Once you've atoned from what you've done you'll be finally forgiven."

"Atone." I muttered as I nod my head. "But to be honest, I don't really regret what I did."

I almost bumped my head at the dashboard as the car went into a sudden stop. I was shocked, my mouth agape, and turn my head immediately towards Yesung who's face now turned dark.

"What just happened, Yesung?!" I scowl at him. I saw Yesung clench his jaw and his hands gripping the car's steering wheel. It was so tight it made his knuckles turn white. "Y-Yesung.."

"Don't you ever say those words again, Jinn. Promise me." He tells me firmly. His gaze was fixed on the road and not at me.

What he said made me wrinkle my eyebrows. "What did I say?"

Yesung let out a heavy sigh and turns to me. "Never, ever say that you don't regret what happened. They might hear you, Jinn. And you know that. What if because of what you've said they wouldn't change their minds of having us back? Of having you back?"

I scoffed. "I've spent so many years living amongst the humans, trapped in a weak mundane body. Don't tell me they'd be inconsiderate."

"That's not the point, Jinn! If you could only hear yourself! What you're saying is an act of defiance! What's going on with you?!" Yesung's voice was loud enough for me to hear.

"What's wrong with what I've said? I didn't know voicing out personal opinions is also a violation now?!" I tell him angrily. "Come to think of it, I didn't kill her! I saved her!" I yell at him. "I saved her!" I emphasized those last three words at his face.

Yesung shook his head and looks at me in frustration and disbelief. "She was going to be saved, Jinn.. But you got in the way and did things according to what you want. You didn't save her, Jinn. You made her worse."

I feel like I was punched directly on the chest. I find it hard to breathe all of a sudden. I feel tears starting to well up in my eyes. I remove my gaze away from Yesung and stare blankly at the road ahead of me. He was right. I've let that little girl live, but I made her worse.

"I'm sorry, Jinnie.." Yesung softly spoke and held my hand. I didn't move and respond. He sighed deeply and was about to drive again but then I started to speak.

"I'm just thinking.." I tell him and Yesung looks at me again. He's waiting patiently for what it is I'm about to say. "What I did was a selfless act and I don't see what's wrong with it. Come to think of it, it's not different from what we do. I just did what I think what was best for her. I didn't cause any harm and yet, I've been punished like this. I don't understand.."

"Jinnie, our kind is not like the others. We only receive  orders and it's our duty to follow and do what they've told us to do. Nothing more than that. But you've let your emotions took hold of you. Allowing those emotions were even forbidden for us to have but you'd let it consume you. We cannot perform our duty if that happens. You very well know that." Yesung paused for awhile probably allowing me to digest everything he had said. I couldn't look at him in the eye.

"We have our virtues, Jinn. Virtues that we must follow and take into heart for as long as we exist. I'm just reminding you." Those were his final words. He started driving again and the car went silent for the rest of the ride.

Everything Yesung told me was true. I just couldn't accept it all I guess. I don't know but I feel different from the others. I'm nothing like those in my kind and it made me wonder. Am I really changing? Have I changed? Or maybe, I'm just not supposed to be what I really am? Those questions frightened me. But there's nothing more frightening than what I will become once I put to waste this very last chance I get to be able to redeem myself.