The Nearness Of You

22

Yesung

Because I love him..

I keep on hearing Jinnie's words. She loves him. She really love him. I know she does but the moment she voiced it out it's as if she had slapped me in the face.

Because I love him..

It sounded final. Those words are the last thing I want to hear.

I drove fast stepping hard on the gas not knowing where to go. I am consumed by anger, bitterness, and hate. I couldn't focus, couldn't think clearly. I can only see swirling lights on the road in front of me.

Because I love him..

I hit the brakes as hard as I could.

"Stop it!" I shout and impinged my fists on the steering wheel. "Just stop!"

Because I love him..

I grasp my hair tightly. The truth is tormenting me.

Because I love him..

"I know! Now stop!"

Because I love him..

I couldn't take it anymore and break down into sobs.

"I know.." I muttered as tears streamed down on my face. Her words were surging through my mind and I just fell apart. I now realized how hard it is to experience pain, such unpleasant emotion I wish to no longer feel. I rest my head on the driver's seat and let myself cry. Tears keep on rolling in my cheeks and slowly, I'm becoming numb.

I pity myself for loving a girl who doesn't love me and will never love me back. I thought I could live with that reality. I'm fine with it as long as she wouldn't care about anyone else but not until she met someone whom she fell in love with. All those years I've been with Jinnie, the sacrifices I made just to be with her, all of it, thrown in the wind. I suddenly blame my hypocrisy. But come to think of it, if I'd dared to tell her what I truly feel would she even accept it? Would she feel the same as well? I doubt. Eversince I've known her she'd never looked at me the way she looks at him. I can never have her. Not now, not ever.

I just lost Jinnie. The truth hurts and I can't accept it. I can't do anything but let the pain dwell inside of me. I gaze at my reflection in the rearview mirror and saw how awfully miserable I look. This isn't right. I shouldn't allow myself to be like this, bleak and looking like a mess. I'm stronger than this. I shouldn't let this thing break me.

I sat upright. I want these feelings gone and no longer suffer emotional turmoil. I started driving again and heading to the only place I know where I could drown this misery with alcohol.

I arrived at Central after a couple of minutes heading straight towards the liquor bar. I ordered a glass of beer once I'm seated and started drinking as soon as it was given to me. I'm going to drown myself with alcohol. If only I could drink poison so I can just die.. The thought made me cringe. I shouldn't think that way. It's impermissible.

I just keep on drinking losing count of how many glasses I've had emptied. I felt a slight buzz and feel my face slowly getting numb. Good. A few more glass and I'll be in tranquility.

I was about to finish my fifth glass of beer when I had a glimpse of Alyssa from afar. We both saw each other at the same time, and fearing that she would come near me again gave me the decision to leave the premises. Alyssa's on her way to my direction and I, on the other hand, was about to stand up and hurry outside when someone sat by my side.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" A female probably in her mid-twenties was the one who asked me. Her brown eyes stared at me with intent and her thin lips formed into a smile. Her hair is black, long, and wavy and with purple streaks only on its ends giving it an ombre look. She's wearing a loose pullover over a white sleeveless top making her look slim and exposing one of her shoulders. I stare at her for awhile, her radiance pulling my attention in force. I suddenly remember Alyssa and looked back at her. She was standing a few feet away obviously on her way towards me but stopped and is now looking dumfounded and incredulous. I look at the girl beside me again and I smile my widest smile.