Don't Let Me Be Gone

Seventy Two

TRIGGER WARNING - trashy rat man, kinda mention of oral rape, aNgsT

I think I'm about to prove that I am the Queen of Angst in this chapter.  I'm about to give you guys a chapter with angst for a character that you probably weren't expecting and may or may not like.  But I can just like freaking sense the angst for this character and I absolutely HAD to write it.  Also it just makes sense for the story.

SO ALL ABOARD THE ANGST TRAIN!!! YA'LL GOT A ONE WAY TICKET TO ANGSTVILLE AND THERE'S NO COMING BACK!!!! MWA HA HA H A   H   A     H        A
*suspicious evil author laughter*

Till next time xoxoxo
~ Jinxx

Remus POV
I walked out of my room slowly, making sure no one else was in the hallway.  Clutching my mace tightly in my hand, I tiptoed down the hallway.  I had to be extra careful to not let my heeled boots make any sound. 

On my way to where I was headed, I let my mind wander.  Do I really want to do what I'm about to do?  Am I really ready to risk everything for these people? 

Yeah, I guess I am.  I'm done with Corruption's bullshit.  Of keeping us around for no good reason other than to use us. 

I want to be a fun Disney villain-like villain for Sanders Sides.  I didn't want to actually kill any of them.  Much less Thomas.  But for some damned reason, Corruption does. 

Deep down, I do care about Thomas.  He's my host, of course I love him.  But I'm just such a freak sometimes. 

Trust me, I'm well aware of how annoying and disgusting I am.  That in truth, all I really do is hurt Thomas. 

Maybe anxiety can help with fight or flight and stuff like that.  But there is literally no good outcome to intrusive thoughts. 

I cause Thomas to loose sleep, to get panic attacks, to feel horrible about himself.  It's not something I'm too proud of.

It's just sad how I manage to disgust myself with my own thoughts.  Me!  The physical embodiment of intrusive thoughts! 

My demented-ness is like second nature.  It's just so easy to slip into whenever I'm around other people.  It's like putting on a show for them and their horrified reactions are like the applause.  But than I go back and watch the video and wonder why the fuck I did or said something like that. 

No wonder they all hate me.

Hell, even Patton hates me.  Patton hates me.  Patton.  Of all people.  And he loves everyone.  But not me. 

Logan is just plain mean to me sometimes.  Doing everything he can to get rid of me and to make sure I don't hurt Thomas.

Roman, my own brother, hates me now.  I guess I kinda deserve it because of what I tried to do to Virgil, who is his boyfriend.  But really ever since the split, its just awkward between us.  We're too different.  We still got along but once the clear line between the Dark and Light Sides was drawn, he just seemed to hate me. 

And that hurts...

But no one will ever know that.  I will keep wearing this mask until I fade.  No one will know how truly disgusted I am with myself sometimes. 

Some of it, I'm okay with.  It can be funny and some of it isn't that bad.  But than of course I fuck up and take it too the next level.  Like what I did to Virgil.  But I was horny and it's like I can't control myself. 

I hate when I do that.  Even if I act like I don't.  I do. 

I guess that's one thing Roman and I still share.  We are both very good actors.  Both  trying to keep these precarious masks up so that no one else knows our secrets about how we really feel about ourselves.